Our Great National Shame

What is it? Our joke of a justice system that focuses far more on punishment, retribution and revenge than on prevention, rehabilitation and reintregation.

I found an article on the subject earlier today. It’s good and worth reading, if a tad depressing.

What’s really annoying is that this is a problem that any politician with half-a-brain can see and understand needs fixing. But they know that they daren’t call for reforms because that would make them “soft” on crime. As long as we have a situation where no one loses elections because they want to get tougher on crime, we’ll continue to have the horrible and unworkable situation we have now.

How Not to Find Bombs

Sadly, this story is no relation to the fine Monty Python sketch, “How Not to Be Seen”. Since that’s funny, and this story isn’t, I’ll start with that.

There. And now you are in a good mood, right? Prepare for that mood to be destroyed!

According to a recent article in the New York Times, some idiots in Iraq have spent a great deal of time, money and effort on a new bomb-detecting technique: dowsing.

For those who don’t know, dowsing is what you see with people wandering about with y-shaped sticks looking for water. Dowsing’s ability to detect water is well-known to be non-existent. Turns out it’s ability to detect bombs is just as non-existent.

Also, here’s another fun thing: when dowsing doesn’t work, it’s the fault of the person who is doing it. Yep, blame the victim. From the Times article:

Proponents of the wand often argue that errors stem from the human operator, who they say must be rested, with a steady pulse and body temperature, before using the device.

I am really saddened that people would use this bullshit as a method to detect bombs. Frankly, you’re better off just flipping a coin to see if a car might or might not have a bomb inside. At least that gives you a 50% level of accuracy.

The last thing Iraq needs right now is to have bullshit like this dumped onto it. I hope that they quickly realize how stupid this is and go back to using real bomb-detecting methods that might actually, you know, work and stuff.

And So Progress is Made

The House has passed a health care reform bill. Wonderful!

I notice there was all sorts of late-hour wrangling to make sure that abortion wouldn’t be covered by the public option. Well, of course not. No reason why a completely legal medical procedure should be covered, especially since the people who can’t afford it are the same ones least likely to be able to afford a baby.

I really, really hope any sort of health care reform includes free birth control for them as wants it. If you won’t cover termination of pregnancy, you better do everything you can to prevent that pregnancy to begin with.

Badger’s Bible Project – Joshua 7:1 – 24:33

After a bit of a delay, here’s the newest part of my Bible Project; the remainder of Joshua!

Ah, Joshua. Josh. Joshie. Yeshua. His friends called him… I don’t know, really. I’m tempted to say he probably didn’t have any friends, but then again he likely did. You know who else had friends? That’s right. Hitler!

Anyhow, last time we saw him, Joshua was leading a massacre worthy of any done by the Nazis. One would presume he would show more restraint now and not bother to kill entire populations of cities. One would be wrong.

Before we get to the killing of entire populations, however, we have to get to the killing of one man. Well, and his entire family.

See, it seems that something is awry among the Israelites. Joshua prays to God who basically says, “Listen, jerkstores, one of your pals stole something he shouldn’t have (instead of things he should have), and so you’re suffering as a nation until this one person is dealt with! Yeah, that’s how I roll!” (not an exact quote)

Joshua does some poking around and eventually finds out that a fellow name Achen was the culprit! What did he steal? Some clothes, some silver and some gold. Seems like a minor offense to me compared with, say, helping butcher hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent children, but what do I know?

Naturally the Israelites are going to show all the restraint you’ve come to expect from them and God.

Then Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achen the son of Zerah, the silver, the garment, the wedge of gold, his sons, his daughters, his oxen, his donkeys, his sheep, his tent and all that he had, and they brought them to the Valley of Achor.
And Joshua said, “Why have you troubled us? The Lord will trouble you this day.” So all Israel stoned him with stones; and they burned them with fire after they had stoned them with stones. – Joshua 7:24 – 25

So again we see a case where a man sins, is punished far out of proportion to the actual crime and then he, and his entire family (apparently, though the text isn’t quite clear on this), are brutally murdered en masse by the entire nation. I wrote just yesterday about people being stoned to death. Good to see some folks still embrace the olde tyme religion, eh?

Also, I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m still wondering why the hell the Bible feels the need to emphasize that people were stoned with stones and burned with fire. I wasn’t expecting them to be stoned with, say, clams and burned with taffy. What a badly-written book!

Now for those who believe Jericho and the slaughter therein was a one-time event, think again. Though it gets less attention, the destruction of Ai (no relation to Ur, Uhm, Eh, Ah or Ee), is just as unpleasant as that of Jericho.

And it came to pass when Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field, in the wilderness where they persued them, and when they had all fallen by the edge of the sword until they were consumed, that all the Israelites returned to Ai and struck at it with the edge of the sword.
So it was that all who fell that day, both men and women, were twelve thousand – all the people of Ai.
For Joshua did not draw back his hand, with which he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai.
Only the livestock and the spoil of that city Israel took as booty for themselves, according to the word of the Lord which he had commanded Joshua. – Joshua 8:24 – 27

Well, I see there’s one lesson God learned: he’s letting them loot now. Obviously he, in his eneffable wisdom and might, realized that expecting soldiers not to loot back then would’ve taken more than even God was capable of.

On the other hand, we also see that he’s continuing to be a bloodthirsty monster and urge his people to go out and kill thousands of innocent people whose only crime was not being Israelites. I don’t know about you, but if I lived in the next kingdom over, I’d look at this and start wondering how the hell I was going to not be killed off.

Turns out that’s exactly what the good folk of Gibeon were thinking. They make a plan that involves them pretending to be from a far away land. They then set out to make at least some sort of peace with the Jews. When asked why, they have a fun little reply.

… for we have heard of his fame, and all that he did in Egypt. – Joshua 9:9

So apparently all God’s bragging about his evil plans in Exodus paid off. Nice!

Anyhow, the Israelites are all excited about this (though probably bummed that they don’t get to wade to triumph through a river of blood), and they accept a deal with the Gibeonites without consulting God (Joshua 9:14), who could have prevented the upcoming situation, but presumably he was out watching sparrows at the time.

Needless to say the Israelites figure out this little deception and aren’t happy. Joshua pulls aside the Gibeonites and says, “WTF, mate?!”

Then Joshua called for them, and he spoke to them, saying, “Why have you deceived us, saying, ‘We are very far from you, when you dwell near us?” – Joshua 9:22

Naturally the Gibeonites look at him and, basically, say, “What, are you stupid?”

So they answered Joshua and said, “Because your servants were clearly told that the Lord your god commanded his servant Moses to give you all the land, and to destroy all t he inhabitants of the land from before you; therefore we were very much afraid for our lives because of you, and have done this thing. – Joshua 9:24

Well, Joshie is pissed about this, but since they promised to let the enemy live, there’s nothing to be done, so instead he turns them into slaves. But, hey, at least they’ve got their health!

Now is the time where, if I were ruling one of these cities, I’d start talking with all my neighbors and say, “Hey, these Israelites are planning to kill all of us. What say we team up and do something about this?”

This is basically what happens, as a bunch of kings get together and go attack the Gibeonites. They complain to their new masters and war happens.

During this war, something very, very strange happens.

This never happened.

Then Joshua spoke to the Lord in the day when the Lor delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel:

“Sun, stand still over Gibeon.
And Moon, in the Valley of Ajialon”
So the sun stood still,
And the moon stopped,
Till the people had revenge
Upon their enemies.

Is this not written in the Book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and did not hasten to go down for about a whole day. – Joshua 10:12 – 13

Ok, there’s a lot of weirdness here.

First, is it just me, or does that sound like some badly-written attempt at haiku? Let’s see if I can do better.

The Bible sucks ass.
It’s a really awful book.
I hate it a lot!

So, not great, but at least I keep the 5-7-5 going!

Second, the Sun stands still in the sky? Really? The Moon, too? That’s interesting, because that would require that the Earth stop rotating and that the Moon does t he same. Oddly, there’s no effects of this sudden disruption upon the environment. Also, this great celestial event goes unnoticed in the rest of the world. Almost like it never happened at all! Hmmm…

Lastly, the Book of Jasher? My Bible does not have this book. Turns out no one else’s does, either. Read more about ths and some more of the Bible’s Greatest Blunders here!

The next couple chapters are pretty self-explanatory. The titles are “Joshua Conquers the Land” and “The Kings Defeated by Joshua.” Right after that we get some more badly-written Bible verses as one verse, 13:13, tells us that Joshua is old and advanced in years and then, in the same verse, has God tell Joshua the same thing. Argh, I hate this book!

The rest of Joshua’s story seems to consist of nothing more than the Israelites dividing up the spoils and high-fiving each other on a job well done. The Levites get cursed, an Altar gets built and then, finally, Joshua makes his farewell address. The first line has an air of deja vu about it.

And Joshua called for all Israel, for their leaders, for their elders, for their heads, for their judges, and for their officers, and said to them, “I am old, and advanced in age.” – Joshua 23:2

*sigh*

Eventually Joshua up and dies at the age of 110. Not a bad run. He’s burried rather specifically.

And they burried him within the border of his inheritance at Timnath Serah, which is in the mountains of Ephraim, on the north side of Mount Gaash. – Joshua 24:30

Great! The next verse also mentions Joseph’s bones being burried there, so why not go dig them up? I mean, that’s a pretty specific place, yeah? So let’s go digging, and see what we find. Surely if we find the bones of Joshua and Joseph, that helps the cause of the religious out there, right? Of course I think this is as likely as finding the Garden of Eden where it’s supposed to be.

So that’s the end of the Book of Joshua. What a horrible book. What horrible people! Like I’ve said before, we, as a people, are more moral than God, at least going by what he does in this book.

I find it interesting that people still think Joshua was a hero. It’s a sort of culture blindness, I guess, like the one in Romania that leaves people there believing that Vlad Tepes was a great guy because, even though he slaughtered many people in horrible ways, hey, he defended Christianity!

Next time, we see how God is like an old-world Celtic faerie!

Even More Religious Evil!

It seems like nary a week goes by that I don’t have at least one chance to bitch about how basically evil religion is.

Take the case of two people in Somalia who had an affair. Sadly, it was adultry and now the man has been stoned to death. The woman is scheduled to be murdered by the crowds as well, but they’re going to wait until she gives birth.

Well, how kind.

Now it’s true that Somalia is a sad, messed-up, horribly backwards country. I place the blame for that squarely on religion. Yes, you can have countries where there’s a lot of religious belief and you don’t end up with crimes like these (America, for example), but you’d never get this sort of nonsense in a properly secular society.

What a fucking mess.

DVD Review – Fawlty Towers – The Complete Remastered Series

(a special thanks to the good folks at American Pop for sending me a reviewers copy of this DVD!)

Say hello to Fawlty Towers: The Complete Collection Remastered! This newly-remastered collection of the classic BBC comedy series will have you laughing like almost nothing else!

I’d had surprisingly little exposure to Fawlty Towers until fairly recently. Back when I was a wee lad I remember seeing about two episodes of the show. Lately I’ve seen a heck of a lot more and found it to be one of the best, most consistently funny shows ever made!

The series follows the lives of people staying and working in Fawlty Towers, what is possibly the worst hotel in all of England. It’s located on the British coast where, it turns out, people actually voluntarily go for vacations during the summer (having swam in the Pacific Ocean in an area just about as far north as Southern England, I think they’re quite mad). The hotel is run by the impossible-to-deal-with Basil Fawlty (John Cleese). With him are his long-suffering wife, longer-suffering maid and even longer-suffering Spanish bellhop, the scene stealing Manuel (Andrew Sachs).

The plots tend to be very simple, and occasionally reveal a great deal about the age of the show (it was made in 1975 and 1979), but the execution is genius. The comic timing on display is incredible, particularly that of Sachs and Cleese.

This newly remastered version of the show contains all twelve episodes (12?! That’s it?! Not a lot, I know, but the recent great shows The Office and Extras also only have twelve standard episodes each), of the show. You also get a whole raft of extra features, including commentaries, interviews, outtakes, a little booklet and even a Torquay Tourist Guide! Nice!

This is a very funny show and a heck of a good deal. I can’t possibly praise it enough. Go pick it up!

The All-Christian Prison

Make your own punchline.

Enslaving Canadians

My mom sent me the following in an email. Enjoy!

Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,

(name removed)

Note to Stumblers:
Some comments criticizing this piece indicate that it was “hijacked” from a West Wing episode.

More Klingon Video Stuff

A couple weeks ago I posted up a weird video of Klingon propaganda. Now there’s a follow-up video to it.

A Fawlty Towers Contest

Thanks to the good folks at American Pop who have sent me a copy of Fawlty Towers: The Complete Collection Remastered for me to review! I’ll have the review up probably tomorrow or the next day. Amusingly, btw, you’ll notice the price of that newer, better version of the show is cheaper on Amazon than the regular version. Life’s gentle ironies.

In the meantime, they’re running a rather spiffy contest! It’s a look-a-like contest, to find people (or possibly things), that remind folks of things (or possibly people), from Fawlty Towers. The grand prize winner, chosen by the interesting John Cleese himself, will win a whole bag of loot, including a Fawlty Towers bathrobe. You better believe I want that!

Anyhow, as I said, I’ll have my review of it up in the next day or two. Meantime, go enter the contest!