On Staying a Virgin Until Marriage

Short version: stupid, stupid idea.

Long version: Some people have this notion that staying a virgin until marriage is a good, laudable goal. Not surprisingly, these people tend to be religious. They stress abstinence-only sex education, push kids to sign little oaths to stay virgins, wear purity rings, and even have creepy little father/daughter balls to encourage kids to avoid having sex before marriage (though perhaps that last tactic might not be the best).

What, exactly, is so wrong with having sex with someone before marriage? I really don’t get it. I know it’s encouraged by the Bible, but much of what the Bible encourages is wrong, immoral, evil or flat-out unwise. So why focus on this as something to be followed?

I think it has to do with Christianity’s fear of sex. Yes, other religions have it, too, but the Christians seem to have really elevated it to an art form, especially here in the USA. I’m not entirely sure where this fear of sex comes from within Christianity, though. I know at least part of it is probably due to things like sex rites practiced by other religions back in the day, but I’m not sure where the rest of it comes from. Maybe it’s the idea that sex = pleasure, and pleasure distracts you from God? I dunno.

It seems to me, though, that on many levels not having sex before marriage is actually a bad idea. Why?

Well, firstly there’s the most obvious problem: what if you and your partner are not even remotely sexually compatible? What if your idea of a good time is him going down on you and his idea of a good time is a little backdoor action? True, you can, at least somewhat, learn to compromise, but why should you? Yeah, love can help you overcome this, but if this person is supposed to be your only source of sexual release for your entire life, doesn’t it make sense to find out before hand if you both like the same things in bed?

Secondly, what if you’re gay or lesbian? By law, you’re not allowed to marry in 49 states in the USA and almost all countries. What are you supposed to do? Of course, the sort of people who push the idea of waiting until marriage tend to also be the sorts who think gay people are going to Hell anyhow, so… yeah.

Third, this concept sets up the situation where some people (not most by any means), are going to wind up getting married before they should, to someone they don’t really love just, so they can get laid. More likely it would be someone they think they’re in love with, but as soon as the road starts getting bumpy, they’ll realize how they really feel. Again, this is probably not a common issue, but it’s probably more common than we’d like to think.

Fourth, why is the best situation with sex one where both partners are inexperienced? I’ve mentioned before that I think it’s weird we find this desirable. This would be like a baseball team hiring people at random from off the streets and expecting them to win the World Series. In my ideal world, we’d actually have, for lack of a better phrase, “sex coaches”, who can teach someone how to be a really good lover. But even without that, I don’t see that going into a lifelong marriage where both the people are virgins is a good thing.

Finally, well, damnit, sex is fun! Great fun! Why not encourage teens to experiment, to enjoy, to relish in the sheer delight of sex? Teach them well, so they can do it safely, and then let them go to it. Delaying sex is delaying one of the greatest things in the entirety of human experience, and that just seems silly to me.

I know we’re scared of teenagers in general, and really scared that they might use their genitals, but we need to get past that, and we need to understand that wanting someone to wait until marriage before sex is silly. Expecting someone to enter a life long commitment without really knowing if they will be compatible with their spouse in one of the major parts of marriage. Surely that’s far more likely to lead to divorce and adultery than trying it before hand?