Revisiting Virginity

I’ve received several well-written, well-thought out replies to my article on why it’s a bad idea to remain a virgin until marriage. Rather than just replying to them in the article, I thought I’d give them the treatment they deserve and write about them in a new article. So here we go.

At least a couple people said that I was painting the religious with a broad brush. This is true. I do differentiate between the “sane” religious people (those who do good deeds, go to church from time-to-time and don’t force their faith down other people’s throats), and the “insane” religious people (who want to force Intelligent Design and abstinence-only sex ed on us). Most of my family are good Christians and accept their bisexual relative with little-to-no adverse comments (much of this I credit to my late grandfather, who was our family’s patriarch. He made it quite clear that I was to be welcome and accepted at all family gatherings regardless of my sexuality. This from a very religious man raised in Oklahoma in the 1920’s and 30’s).

One person raised the issue that I seemed to imply in my article that the only way to find out if you and a prospective partner enjoy the same things is by actually having sex. The writer made the perfectly accurate comment that that isn’t the only way. Conversation and mutual fantasies can get a lot of that taken care of while fully dressed. I myself should know this, given that one of the main questions I ask another man prior to hooking up is if they are a top or a bottom. We haven’t undressed, but I already know what he expects and he’ll know what I expect.

That same writer said that abstinence with education seemed like the best of both worlds. I can agree to that to a point, and I certainly don’t think anyone should ever been forced into being sexually active if they don’t want to be, but I also think that true openess with your partner is more likely if you’re someone who already has at least some experience with sex.

Now, HotBeans raised several points that were all nicely numbered, so I’ll handle those, well, by the numbers!

1. If you come from the perspective that much of what the Bible says is wrong, immoral, evil or unwise, then I realize the moral argument for abstinence is not going ring true with you. I happen to not believe those things about the Bible, so what the Bible says about that topic does hold water for me.

To me, the fact that the Bible, which is supposed to be a wonderful holy book of love, advocates anything that is wrong, immoral, evil or unwise, means that it isn’t nearly as holy, flawless or worth paying attention to as some people believe.

The Bible is a book that condones slavery, says women are a man’s property and unclean for large portions of their lives, that bans wearing clothing of more than two kinds of cloth, that says women should be silent in church, that calls for the death penalty (usually by stoning), for “crimes” such as not believing in God or having homosexual sex, and that features a god who, just from reading Exodus, has some serious issues. Why else would he tell Moses to go ask Pharaoh to free his people, and then “harden Pharaoh’s heart” and make him refuse, then drop a crap-load of plagues onto his head? That’s not the mark of someone who is sane, moral, just or good.

2. In reality the Bible says that sex is beautiful, awesome and a good thing. Unfortunately it’s goofy folks and bad interpretations that lead some Christians and groups to think sex is bad and should be feared. As I understand the Bible, God made sex, it is good, it should be enjoyed (check out the book Song of Solomon)… it just needs to be done within certain guidelines to be enjoyed fully.

Yeah, the Song of Solomon is pretty smutty. Click here for a very good article about that book. It’s part of a very entertaining series called “Blogging the Bible”, and it’s something I might attempt later this year myself. Oh, and for the record, I’ll always agree that if the “certain guidelines” include “being with someone you love”, then I’m square behind that! Sex with someone you really care about is far better than just doing some stranger. That’s just masturbating with someone else’s body (and, btw, masturbation is something the fundamentalist Christians aren’t overly big on, though the passage they cite on this seems to be more about withdrawl than masturbation. But, seriously, there’s people trying to tell me we shouldn’t have sex before marriage and shouldn’t masturbate? Yeah, that doesn’t seem likely).

3. I personally think the whole “sexually compatible” argument many times is the lazy way of people saying they don’t want to work at their sexual relationship. The idea that it’s unwise to marry someone before having sex doesn’t put faith in those two people to lovingly and selflessly work at their sexual relationship. Also, I would expect that both people talk about those expectations before getting married.

I can wholeheartedly agree with the notion that people should talk about what they want in bed. But sometimes what you think you might want might actually turn out to be something you don’t want at all. If you’re a total virgin going in, you might not realize until it’s too late that you’ve gotten something you don’t want.

4. You are correct that some people do get married too soon just because they want to have sex. That’s unfortunate, but their foolishness does not mean that the premise of sex within marriage is outdated or unnecessary.

True. Like I said, I assume it’s something that’s very rare, and I debated even putting it into the article. However, I would point out that if they felt more free to experiment prior to marriage, it likely wouldn’t ever become an issue.

5. I would not say that the best situation for sex is where both partners are inexperienced. But the best part of sex is the learning, growing, and giving to each other. It’s much more than just the end result of a great experience right off the bat. It the journey.

Again, I can see that point, but if both partners are virgins, and that is the desirable state prior to marriage, where is the experience going to come from? I keep remembering a scene in the movie Kinsey, which is great, and if you haven’t seen it, I highly recomend it, where the good doctor and his wife are trying to have intercourse for the first time on their wedding night. It’s a thoroughly miserable experience for them both. Had they both had those awkward first times with someone else, their first time together might have been a wonderful, happy experience, instead of one filled with pain and confusion.

6. Sex is fun, and it should be. But encouraging kids to have it and experiment does not help them in the long run. It has emotional, physical and spiritual consequences, and it should not be taken lightly. Even if you don’t buy into the spiritual reasons for it, look at the stats that ask kids (especially girls) about their their sexual activity in jr. high and in high school. They don’t usually enjoy it, often feel pressure or used, they have emotional issues afterwards, and of course teen std’s and pregnancy are serious consequences.

Yeah, lots of people’s first times are awkward or unpleasant. In many ways, that’s a good reason to get it out of the way, so that you can move on later and have happier times with other people, eventually finding the one you want to settle with for the rest of your life. I don’t think kids should be forced to go out and fuck each other’s brains out per se, but I do think they should feel comfortable experiementing with different things (including both genders and various acts), and I see nothing wrong with encouraging them to do so PROVIDED they do it safely. That’s certainly a requirement.

Also they should be told in no uncertain terms they should never allow someone else to force them or pressure them into sex they don’t want and/or aren’t ready for, cause that can certainly cause more damage then waiting until marriage.

Finally, I would point out that while teen pregnancy and STDs are a serious problem here in the USA where lots of places push abstinence-only education, they aren’t nearly the problem in places where kids get very explicit, honest sex ed that can make them more prepared to face the realities of sex with all its pleasures and pitfalls.

On a personal note, both my wife and I waited until we were married to have sex (25 and 26 years old). We’re glad we did it. Our sexual relationship is filled only with love for each other, with no memories of past experiences, no pain, no std’s, and no one to compare sexual performance too. We’re glad we did it for many reasons.

Thus ends the thoughts to one person in Chicago Thanks.

First… I’d love to visit Chicago one of these days! Closest I’ve ever been is Indianapolis, which isn’t nearly the same, I’m sure. My favorite band is the Smashing Pumpkins, and they come from Chicago, as does Roger Ebert and Cecil Adams. Any place with that much going for it must be cool!

Also, I’m glad you and your spouse have happiness with each other both in and out of bed. Ultimately that’s the most important thing of all to me. I just happen to think that people will tend to be happier if they go out and see what else there is before settling on one person. After all, to use a rather crude anology, you don’t buy a car without test driving it. Well, so I hear, anyhow. I still don’t know how to drive, though that should be changing, and will doubtless make for a fun series of blog entries.

Anyhow, again, thank you everyone who gave me feedback! I’ve had more thoughtful feedback on this article than any of the others I’ve done so far, and it’s greatly appreciated. If nothing else, it’s nice to know that my words are getting attention, and aren’t just vanishing into the wind and fog.