Badger’s Bible Project – Genesis 19:1 – 24:67

Welcome to the second of my articles on the Bible!

Having killed of most of the world in the Flood, we now come to another of those fun tales where God visits his wrath upon the world of man. Yes, kids, we’re off to Sodom and Gomorrah! *singing* “We’re off on the road to Gomorrah! We don’t know what sins we’ll commit!”

Of course many people go on about the Sin of Sodom and use it as an excuse to oppress gay people. Well, let’s have a look at what this sin might be.

We arrive in Sodom to see a pair of angels going into the town. A group of men watch them heading towards Lot’s house, and decide they want a piece of the action.

And they called to Lot and said to him, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us that may know them carnally.” – Genesis 19:5

It is worth noting that in my Bible, “carnally” is in italics, which apparently means a word that wasn’t in the original text. I wonder why they felt the need to add it here?

At any rate, it’s clear the Sin of Sodom isn’t consentual homosexual sex; it’s rape or, possibly, a lack of hospitality towards guests. Well, if it’s the latter, Lot has a fix.

“See now [says Lot], I have two daughters who have not known a man; please, let me bring them out to you, and you may do to them as you wish…” – Genesis 19:8

Wow. Well, here’s some down-home hospitality. No wonder Warren Jeffs was considered to be such a great host! “Hi, good to see ya! Here, have a virgin!” I mean, ugh!

Anyhow, like I said, clearly the Sin of Sodom was not homosexual sex. One could gleen from this that either rape or being rude to guests should be called “sodomy”, but clearly two guys happily getting it on with each other doesn’t count. The Bible is pretty hard on gays later on, but not here.

Moving on, we find Lot and family have left down just before the mortage meltdown lowered housing values it was destroyed by the Wrath o’ God. Lot’s wife, presumably agrieved by the loss of her friends and her home and everything else, turns back for one last teary-eyed look at the city.

But his wife looked back behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. – Genesis 19:26

Definately one of God’s odder punishments. I mean, salt was really worth something in the ancient world. I hope Lot was smart enough to put her on a cart and carry her with them, cause that much salt could fetch a few shekels in any good market, and I’m sure they probably needed the cash at that point.

Actually, one of my friends mentioned that this isn’t a concept that’s unique to this story. After all, the Greek myth of Orpheus concerned a man, Orpheus, who went to Hades to retrieve his true love, and was told to not look at her until they were out of there. He couldn’t resist and right near the exit turned to look at her, and she went back down into Hades. At least this proves the Greek gods are every bit the jerks the Judeo/Christian/Muslim God can be.

Meantime, Lot’s daughters are afraid the entire human race will die out unless they get busy with Daddy. So they hatch a plan.

“Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve the linage of our father.” – Genesis 19:32

Ew. Ew. Ew! Why is this not rape, I ask? The Bible later on is, as I recall, pretty down on incest, so why isn’t God, never known to be a master of moderation, putting the smack-down on these girls for this? I also don’t recall any mention of if they got pregnant or not. Oh, well. Moving on, we find Abraham up to one of his old tricks.

Now Abraham said of Sarah his wife, “She is my sister.” And Ambimelech king of Gerar sent and took Sarah.
But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, “Indeed you are a dead man because of the woman whom you have taken, for she is a man’s wife.” – Genesis 20:2 – 3

See? See? Didn’t I say this was going to cause troubles down the line? This is very puzzling to me. Clearly this was a stupid trick. I don’t know why they did it twice.

Now we move onto another one of those more puzzling aspects of Genesis: Abraham being told to sacrifice Isaac.

Then he [God], said, “Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” – Genesis 22:2

I thought they had mines in Moriah? Anyhow, this is child abuse on a grand scale. Sure, Abraham doesn’t actually follow through, but what does it say about him that he was willing? That he trusts in God to only tell him to do the right thing, or that he’s a mindless drone with no morals? What does it say about God that he would ask this of Abraham? Me, I’d be inclined to say unto the Lord in such circumstances, “Verily, my Lord God, go fucketh thyself.”

It’s not like Abraham lacks the ability to stand up to God. In one of the things I stupidly forgot to mention in my last post, he does just that by arguing with God about his plans to destroy Sodom and Gamorrah. Why was he so moral there, but willing to do great evil in the name of God here?

And don’t, by the way, try to tell me this was God legitmately testing the faith of his minion. God, if he is omniscent, knew exactly how this would turn out, and therefore clearly went through with it only to prove some childish point/be an abusive jerk/seriously traumatize Isaac.

Moving along, we find out that Sarah has died (Genesis 23:1), and now Isaac, older, wiser, and not having been murdered by his father, is about to get married. Before that we have a little bit of sanitization to get out of the way.

So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please put your hand under my thigh, and I will make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of the Earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell.” – Genesis 24:2 – 3

Interesting fact: another word for a promise like this is “testament”. Sounds rather similar to a name for a certain body part. Guess where the servant’s hand actually was? Nothing like a handful of old-man scrotum. Ah, yes, the translators of the Bible. Just like the FCC, they’re willing to leave in the horrific violence, but God forbid, as it were, you should bring up anything even remotely sexual.

Well, that’s about all for now. Next up: the long slog through the story of Jacob. Oy, this one’s a bitch to get through. Yes, the Bible, ladies and gentlemen. One book and several authors frantically searching for a good editor!

(btw: The article I link to in that last smart-ass remark of mine is very, very good and highly recommended!)