So in this third installment of my little project, we get to the story of Jacob and Esau. Gads, what a slog. I know I should find this story interesting but it is, frankly, dull as hell. It does present some interesting points, though. So let’s get to it!
We start this story after the birth of Esau and his brother, Jacob. As we begin our action, Jacob is playing at being a cook, and made up a nice stew. When his brother comes in hungry from doing actual work, the following happens:
And Esau said to Jacob, “Please feed me with that same red stew, for I am weary.” Therefore he was called Edom.
But Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright as of this day.”
And Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so what is this birthright to me?”
Then Jacob said, “Swear to me as of this day.” So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob.
And Jacob gave Esau bread and stew of lentils; then he ate and drank, arose and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright. – Genesis 25:30 – 34
So right off, we see that Jacob is apparenty a major jerk. Rather than actually share food with his brother, he screws the guy out of his birthright, and then feeds him (with bread that probably doesn’t taste as good as the kind I make).
As for Esau, well, obviously the guy’s a low-flame candle. I mean, presumably if he’s been working all day, and only that day, he’s not likely to drop over dead, as he seems to imply. If he’s being sarcastic, it just cost him his birthright, and if he’s being sincere, then, geez, what a wimp!
Moving along, we find a brief bit about Isaac and his wife. Proving he is his father’s son, Isaac relys on one of Dad’s old tricks when dealing with people other than his own kind.
And the men of the place asked about his wife. And he said, “She is my sister“; for he was afraid to say, “She is my wife,” because he thought, “lest the men of the place kill me for Rebekah, because she is beautiful to behold. – Genesis 26:7
You know, I say again, WTF? This trick doesn’t work, and doesn’t make sense. Even the guy they are trying to trick sees through it.
Then Abimelech called Isaac and said, “Quite obviously she is your wife; so how could you say, ‘She is my sister’?” Isaac said to him, “Because I said, ‘Lest I die on account of her’.”
And Abimelech said, “What is this you have done to us? One of the people might soon have lain with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us.”
So Abimelech charged all his people, saying, “He who touches this man or his wife shall shurely be put to death.” – Genesis 26:9 – 11
First, I can just picture the look on Abimelech’s face as he looks at Isaac, and, dripping with condensation, says, “Quite obviously she is your wife.” Second, great bit on Isaac’s part there, with the diplomacy, saying, “Yeah, I thought you guys would kill me if you knew we were married.”
On the other hand, we also see that once he told Abimelech of his fears, the man assuaged them by telling everyone to leave Isaac’s wife alone. End of problem. Perhaps if Isaac had simply trusted the guy in the first place, this stupid deception wouldn’t have had to happen. Frankly, it puts me in mind of the whole “I’m the queen in disguise!” thing from The Phantom Menace.
This is especially stupid on Isaac’s part, since I notice the man Abraham tried this trick on in Genesis 20:2 is also named Abimelech! The same trick on the same guy twice. At least he learned his lesson after the first time.
Moving on, we see Jacob stealing away Isaac’s blessing from Esau. For this fraud, he suffers no punishment or penalty. Later, he goes to live with his uncle, and not long after that, impersonates a character on Friends.
“How awesome is this place!” – Genesis 28:17
Not long after, Jacob proves that no matter how far back you go, there’s always someone who will ask certain questions.
And Jacob said to them, “My brethren, where are you from?” And they said, “We are from Haran.”
Then he said to them, “Do you know Laban, the son of Nahor?” … – Genesis 29:4 – 5
Yeah, for some reason, I keep thinking of a conversation like, “I’m from New York City.” “Oh, yeah? Do you know my cousin, Bill?” Maybe I’m the only one to find this funny. 
Now we come to an actually touching line, where Jacob has been working his ass off for seven years so he can marry a woman he loves.
So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her. – Genesis 29:20
You know, I actually really like that line. How many of us have felt that sort of thing when around someone we love? It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, or how long we’re doing it for; all that matters is the person we care about. Very sweet, really.
Unfortunately, it turned out Rachel was barren.
And Jacob’s anger was aroused against Rachel, and he said, “Am in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?”
So she said, “Here is my maid Bilhah; go in to her, and she will bear a child on my knees, that I also may have children by her.”
Then she gave him Bilhah her maid as wife, and Jacob went in to her. – Genesis 30:2 – 4
I can’t help but wonder if the original word was “into” instead of “in to”, cause it makes a lot more sense that way. Also, “… bear a child on my knees…”? What the hell does that mean? Lastly on this, I can’t help but be reminded of Sarah telling Abraham to make use of Hagar in much the same way. Well, that turned out poorly. Wonder how this one will go?
Anyhow, Jacob seems to think this is licence to sow his seed far and wide, so he has kids with Bilhah, Zilpah, Leah and Rachel. Busy fellow! His children get named Judge, My Wrestling, Troop, Happy, Wages, Dwelling, and He Will Add. Well, at least that’s what my Bible says their names actually mean. Make one wonder why we translate words, but not names that are based on words?
Anyhow, once Judge, Troop, Happy, Sneezy, Doc and Dopey are all born, we move on. Jacob leaves his uncle, with whom he had been living and working, bitches him out in a multi-paragraph rant that starts at Genesis 31:36, and then heads out to make nice with his brother, pausing only long enough to engage in a wrestling match (?) with what appears to be an angel (Genesis 32:24).
When he finally meets up with Esau again, we get another of those nice, touching moments.
But Esau ran to meet him [Jacob], and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. – Genesis 33:4
So despite the crap Jacob pulled, and all the suffering and pain, the two brothers still love each other, and family triumphs over all. This is a good thing, and, as I said, a touching moment. Sadly, it gets undone in Genesis 34:1, where we find out that one of Jacob’s daughters, Leah, was raped by the son of a local prince.
Jacob and sons trick the local prince and his city into coverting, and of course this means they need to get circumcised. The locals do so, and on the third day after this, as they’re all healing and recovering (with, no doubt, several of them dying from infections), two of Jacob’s sons go and kill all the men in the city. They then help themselves to all the wealth, and enslave all the women and children.
I find this troubling. Clearly one can make an arugment for punishing the rapist. But wiping out the entire city full of, you know, innocent people? Even Jacob apparently thinks this might be pushing it.
Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, “You have troubled me by making me obnoxious among the inhabitants of this land, among the Canaanites and Perizzites; and since I am few in number, they will gather themselves together against me and kill me. I shall be destroyed, my household and I.” – Genesis 34:30
In short, “Oh, nice work, kids. Way to piss off the neighbors.” The boys, though, are unrepentant.
But they said, “Should he treat our sister like a harlot?” – Genesis 34:31
Well, no, he shouldn’t. On the other hand, you shouldn’t engage in slavery, murder and theft of an entire city simply because your sister got raped.
Anyhow, despite Jacob being something of a jerk, God appears before him and gives him a blessing that I’m sure won’t cause any issues down the line.
Then God appeared to Jacob again, while he came from Padam Aram, and blessed him.
And God said to him, “Your name is Jacob; your name shall not be called Jacob anymore, but Israel shall be your name.” So he called his name Israel.
Also God said to him, “I am God Almighty. Be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall proceed from you, and kings shall come from your body.
“The land which I gave Abraham and Isaac I give to you; and to your descendants after you I give this land.” – Genesis 35:9 – 12
So there we have it, kids. As near as I can tell, this is the genesis (har-har), of much of the trouble in the Middle-East. What a mess.
Anyhow, the story of Jacob and Esau finishes with another one of those genealogical entries, and so ends what has been, so far, one of the more annoying stories in the Bible. On the plus side, at least that clears the decks for the next story, Joseph and his amazing Technicolor dreamcoat!
