I Find God


My lord and master!

My lord and master!

I can hold back no more. I’ve lied to you all over the last year plus. Yes, I must now announce, officially, that I am, in fact, a theist. I do believe in a god, and no, it’s not the Flying Spaghetti Monster (though I still praise his noodly goodness). The god I now believe in? Ganymede.

And why not worship him? True, many versions of the myth say he’s not a god, just some Trojan prince, but you gotta believe that Zeus promoted him and made him at least a demi-god, so therefore we can worship him.

Evidence for his existence is quite broad. Plato wrote about him in his Laws and no less an authority than Homer wrote about him in The Iliad, a book which predates the Bible by a fair amount. We know from other Greek writers and teachers that the other gods of Olympus existed, so there’s no reason to presume Ganymede does not.

Further, what greater story do you need than that of Ganymede, a young boy so beloved by Zeus that he was taken up to Olympus to be Zeus’ lover, thus sacrificing his innocence for the good of all mankind (cause a horny Zeus is a naughty Zeus)?

Sure there are those who will say that Ganymede is not real, never was real and was just a metaphor or, even worse, a fictional character some people just made up to help explain natural events. Come to think of it, there are those who would say that about all the Greek gods, but clearly this can’t be the case. If it were, why would the Greeks have spent so much time building monuments, temples and carvings all in praise of the gods?

Plus, hey, one could do a lot worse than to worship a teenage boy whose entire religious identity is wrapped up in his sexuality. I mean, you could follow a multi-armed goddess of destruction, a one-eyed deity with a spear fetish, some vengeful bronze-age god who destroys everyone who gets in his way, a god who asks for human sacrifice (oops, wrong link! Should’ve been this one, though come to think of it…), or any number of other, highly suspicious deities that have come along over the years.

So why not worship Ganymede? I’m sure a number of Catholic priests would be down with it, since part of the worship involves kneeling before a teenage boy, and the actual worship ceremonies are quite entertaining. Plus if the teenage boy in question is a god, it’s not statutory, and even if it were, who cares? It’s religion, and you can get away with a great deal based on religion.

So join me, won’t you? Kneel before this teenage boy and worship him mightily! Won’t end up with a mouthful of communion wafer at the end of the service, but that’s ok. What you’ll have instead is a mouthful of love, and that’s what gods are all about right? Right?

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4 Responses to “I Find God”

  1. PiedType Says:

    Oh, you had one of those days, huh? :lol: For what it’s worth, it’s going to take me a couple of days to get over the whiplash induced by your head!

  2. Arthur Says:

    wow. just… wow. *speechless*

  3. eromenos Says:

    Hahaha love it. I want to get baptized!

  4. Chris Says:

    I’ll leave it to your imagination to guess what our baptism ceremonies are like.


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