Get Offa My Lawn, Ya Damn Kids!


I turn 40 next week. I’ve already get a head start on the curmudgeon angle, however. I really am not fond of children, especially those under about ten or so who seem to be made of noise. It doesn’t help matters that there are a lot of children that live in the same apartment complex as myself, and that my apartment is right near the pool. This means, especially during the warmer weather, constant, annoying noise. Of course I don’t just complain about these things, I have solutions, too. Here’s my solution: apartments that are for adults only.

Now it’s true that in the USA there are already several apartment complexes, and, indeed, entire communities that are made for adults. These are often referred to as “retirement” facilities due to the fact that you have to be at least 55 to live in one. It’s apparently not legal to set up one of these places for anyone who isn’t 55 yet.

I won’t be 55 until 2027. I don’t want to wait that long and don’t see why I have to. Now it is true that if you allowed apartment complexes to bar children, most of them would. That fact alone should tell you much about how annoying people who don’t have children often find other peoples’ children to be. But it wouldn’t be fair to make it so that every complex could bar children. So in that case what I would do is that only X number of apartment complexes in Y radius would be allowed to bar them. I have no idea what those numbers should be, but I can tell you now that those that do would be in high demand from people like me who don’t want to have kids around all the time.

I think it would also be good for the remaining places that do allow children, because they could then cater to families. They could have pools with lifeguards, a daycare center, a nice little playground area, and all sorts of other things. I would even favor barring most sex offenders who committed crimes against children from living in these apartment complexes. The fact that we’d have viable adults-only options would also give them a place to live.

Ultimately this won’t happen, I know. We worship/hate children in our society like you wouldn’t believe. We talk about how they’re the future, and our greatest national resource and then we cut money for schools and welfare. I happen to agree that children are indeed the future, but adults are the present, and I don’t see why I, a single adult who has made the choice not to have children, should not have the option of living in an apartment complex where children are not allowed.

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2 Responses to “Get Offa My Lawn, Ya Damn Kids!”

  1. PiedType Says:

    I think you and every adult should have the option of having no children around. I’ve never had much use for other people’s kids. (Mine, of course, was an angel.) Maybe there’s some hope, considering an airline recently instituted an “adults only” section on its planes. You’d think maybe apartment complexes would at least try putting families at one end of the complex and childless adults at the other. Of course if housing is tight, there may not be any choices.

  2. Warren (@waxis) Says:

    Kids are okay, once they’re old enough to understand death threats.

    I’d personally like to see a children-free section in restaurants.


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