Amazingly, Caravaggio somehow avoided painting Jesus as a naked adolescent boy!

So Christmas is nigh. I’ve decided to depart from my usual Bible Project fun-ness to focus exclusively on the Nativity of Jesus. I’m still working on the next regular part of the project, which is Judges, but in the meantime, here’s this.

Oh, and as with the regular Bible Project, I’m not going to be capitalizing certain things. Words like that appear in the middle of sentences like, him, his, babe, child, etc, are not going to get caps just because they refer to Jesus. That’s just silly.

The birth of Jesus is documented in two places in the Bible; the New Testament books of Matthew and Luke. Both have some interesting differences between them.

We start with Matthew’s account. First we go through the genealogy of Jesus, which is another of those fine Bible genealogies that are guaranteed to induce sleep in any insomniac. After getting past that we hit the meat of the story.

Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After his mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with the child of the Holy Spirit. – Matthew 1:18

Uh-HUH. Right. Ok. Well, yeah, I suppose if I was a scared girl of about thirteen who’d hooked up one memorable night with Levi, the merchant’s son and gotten knocked up as a result, I, too, might try the old “God did it!” schtick. I’m sure people before her and after her tried it, saying they “magically” got pregnant without having sex (Danae, I’m looking at you!).

In fact the virgin birth is actually a fairly common concept throughout the mythology of the Levant and other areas, so if there’s anyone out there who claims this is somehow unique to Christianity, you can feel free to argue with them.

Also to anyone who wants to disagree and say, “Well, why would Mary make up such a story?” I invite you consider hard the fact that she was growing up in a primitive, superstitious society that would’ve likely believed her claims much more than modern society and that would punish her much more harshly if they’d learned she’d had pre-martial sex.

Moving on, we get to the naming of Jesus.

“And she will bring forth a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” – Matthew 1:21

I’ll cover the whole “dying for our sins” thing later on, once I get to this part of the Bible in my normal course of business (at the current rate this will likely be in 2034). But to cover it briefly here: Jesus has to die for humanity’s sins. This is because God says he has to. God could change this rule but doesn’t want to. This mean God really, really wants Jesus to be tortured to death on the cross. Nice fellow, this God.

Of course according to some Christians, God and Jesus are the same beings, yet somehow distinct. Jesus is an avatar in this context. I actually have no problem with that concept, but it does mean that God basically sends himself to get tortured that he can allow himself to forgive humanity their sins. Once again, I’d love to see a psychiatrist get this guy on the couch.

Anyhow, I also find it depressing that the so-called “Prince of Peace” as the same first name (Yeshua, or ישוע), as one of the Bible’s more unsavory characters (Joshua), though this is apparently somewhat of a controversial notion.

Anyhow, Mary goes off to give birth. There’s no mention of a manager or there not being room at the inn; that comes later in Luke’s account. But we do get the Wise Guys Men.

Jesus's birthplace, according to the Bethlehem Tourism Board (possibly)

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem,
saying, “Where is he who has been born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the Easy and have come to worship him.”
When Herod the king heard this, he was troubled,and all Jerusalem with him. – Matthew 2:1 – 3

I’m sure all of Jerusalem was, because he’s certainly not the type to keep his emotional issues to himself. In fact, he gets very uptight about the idea of someone else being King of the Jews. He has certain plans for the boy.

The Wise Men schlep off to the place of birth and give their three presents of gold, frankincense and myrrh (it’s a valuable bomb balm, you know! But be careful with it around the baby; it might bite him!). No where is it mentioned there were only three wise men. Could’ve been there were two and one was being nice, or maybe there were four, and one was being niggardly. Either way, we don’t see there being three, and we certainly don’t get the names that later crop up in Christian mythology.

After the Wise Men leave, an angel appears to Joseph and warns him that it’s time to get out of Dodge.

Now when they had departed, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream, saying, “Arise, take the young child and and his mother, flee to Egypt, and stay there until I bring you word; for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him.” – Matthew 2:13

Well, imagine that. Jews fleeing to Egypt for protection. Irony! I assume this was intentional on the part of whomever made up the story. It’s probably a way to evoking the image of Exodus and all that.

Needless to say, though, Herod is less than happy when he hears that Jesus and family have escaped his oily clutches.

Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he set forth to put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under; according to the time he had determined from the wise men. – Matthew 2:16

Well. How charming. Here again we have an evocation of Exodus as we have another slaughter of innocent children, though this time it’s a human that’s doing the job, not God. Progress for man? Perhaps.

Either way, there’s no mention of this happening anywhere outside the Bible. None. If Bethlehem was a town of any size, there would’ve been dozens, if not hundreds, of babies aged two and under. Surly having them all rounded up and killed would’ve aroused the notion of, say, the ruling Roman authorities, even if it was just in the context of, “Those wacky Jews! Wait until you hear what they’ve done now!” Think of the propaganda bonanza this would’ve been to them. But no, it doesn’t get any airtime outside the Bible. Odd, that.

Also it’s worth noting before we move on to Luke, that Herod’s reign ended in the year 4 BC. This is something of a problem for Luke, who puts the birth of Jesus around 6 or 7 AD. Oopsie.

Speaking of Luke, Matthew’s story of the birth of Jesus basically ends here, so let’s move on to Luke’s accounting.

Luke begins by telling us about the birth of John the Baptist. He goes on about this for quite some time and then moves on to Gabriel having a chat with Mary.

And having come in, the angel said to her, “Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!”
But when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and considered what manner of greeting this was. – Luke 1:28 – 29

Yeah, I just bet she did. This shows Mary as being quite smart, actually. Anyone with half a brain back then would’ve been deeply suspicious of God’s motives, had they actually paid attention to much of what he’d done over the centuries.

But anyhow, she gets this news and is told she’ll get knocked-up by the Holy Spirit. Some other dialogue and stuff happens that I don’t care much about, and then we move onto more about the birth of Jesus.

And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered.
This census first took place while Quirinius was governing Syria.
So all went to be registered, everyone to his own city. – Luke 2:1 – 3

Hot diggity! This gives us some nice historical markers that we can go by for when this story happened. It’s not just “in the time of the elders, so long ago when Gilgamesh was king” or something like that. No, it contains mention of Augustus, Quirinius and a census. That’s three sources of data we can use to pinpoint when this happens.

Problem is, when that’s done, we get a date of around 6 or 7 AD, well past the reign of King Herod who, as mentioned before, died in 4 BC.

So this leaves a contradiction: either Jesus was born before the death of Herod, which would seem a requirement given Herod’s involvement in the story, or he was born later during a census which would’ve happened when Matthew’s version of Jesus was about ten or eleven years old. Both of these things cannot be true. This means the Bible is in error, yes? But it’s supposed to be infallible, I thought.

Then there’s the various problems history has with the census itself, including the fact that it’s unlikely people would have had to go to their ancestral homes to participate in the census (imagine the chaos that would cause in the modern world, much less 2,000 years ago when people were a bit less mobile).

But putting Joseph and Mary on the road gives Luke the chance to have the baby born in a manger because there was no room at the inn. This is why it’s a good idea to make reservations ahead of time and to not travel when you’re very pregnant.

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. – Luke 2:7

Ah, now that's what we're used to seeing!

This is the birth story we’re all familiar with. Here’s what we were missing in Matthew; the inn and the manger. Notice that there’s no mention of Herod, a trip to Egypt or the Wise Men. Then a few verses on and the shepherds show up and shortly thereafter, the story of the Nativity comes to an end.

Also, I can’t help but notice mention of this being her “firstborn” son. Now that implies that it’s at least possible there were others, right, like James. I know Catholic theology has this huge whopper of a stupid notion that she somehow never had sex with Joseph once she was married and remained a virgin for life, but come on. That’s just stupid.

So here we have it, the story of the birth of Jesus. Not that much of a story, actually, given all the mythology and story that’s been built up around it. It’s only a small handful of verses that take up only a couple pages. Frankly, before reading it, I thought it would be at least a couple chapters in Matthew and Luke, but no, not so much.

Oh, well. Coming soon, I get back to the Project proper with the start of Judges! Until then, merry Christmas for those as believes!

After a bit of a delay, here’s the newest part of my Bible Project; the remainder of Joshua!

Ah, Joshua. Josh. Joshie. Yeshua. His friends called him… I don’t know, really. I’m tempted to say he probably didn’t have any friends, but then again he likely did. You know who else had friends? That’s right. Hitler!

Anyhow, last time we saw him, Joshua was leading a massacre worthy of any done by the Nazis. One would presume he would show more restraint now and not bother to kill entire populations of cities. One would be wrong.

Before we get to the killing of entire populations, however, we have to get to the killing of one man. Well, and his entire family.

See, it seems that something is awry among the Israelites. Joshua prays to God who basically says, “Listen, jerkstores, one of your pals stole something he shouldn’t have (instead of things he should have), and so you’re suffering as a nation until this one person is dealt with! Yeah, that’s how I roll!” (not an exact quote)

Joshua does some poking around and eventually finds out that a fellow name Achen was the culprit! What did he steal? Some clothes, some silver and some gold. Seems like a minor offense to me compared with, say, helping butcher hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent children, but what do I know?

Naturally the Israelites are going to show all the restraint you’ve come to expect from them and God.

Then Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achen the son of Zerah, the silver, the garment, the wedge of gold, his sons, his daughters, his oxen, his donkeys, his sheep, his tent and all that he had, and they brought them to the Valley of Achor.
And Joshua said, “Why have you troubled us? The Lord will trouble you this day.” So all Israel stoned him with stones; and they burned them with fire after they had stoned them with stones. – Joshua 7:24 – 25

So again we see a case where a man sins, is punished far out of proportion to the actual crime and then he, and his entire family (apparently, though the text isn’t quite clear on this), are brutally murdered en masse by the entire nation. I wrote just yesterday about people being stoned to death. Good to see some folks still embrace the olde tyme religion, eh?

Also, I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m still wondering why the hell the Bible feels the need to emphasize that people were stoned with stones and burned with fire. I wasn’t expecting them to be stoned with, say, clams and burned with taffy. What a badly-written book!

Now for those who believe Jericho and the slaughter therein was a one-time event, think again. Though it gets less attention, the destruction of Ai (no relation to Ur, Uhm, Eh, Ah or Ee), is just as unpleasant as that of Jericho.

And it came to pass when Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field, in the wilderness where they persued them, and when they had all fallen by the edge of the sword until they were consumed, that all the Israelites returned to Ai and struck at it with the edge of the sword.
So it was that all who fell that day, both men and women, were twelve thousand – all the people of Ai.
For Joshua did not draw back his hand, with which he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai.
Only the livestock and the spoil of that city Israel took as booty for themselves, according to the word of the Lord which he had commanded Joshua. – Joshua 8:24 – 27

Well, I see there’s one lesson God learned: he’s letting them loot now. Obviously he, in his eneffable wisdom and might, realized that expecting soldiers not to loot back then would’ve taken more than even God was capable of.

On the other hand, we also see that he’s continuing to be a bloodthirsty monster and urge his people to go out and kill thousands of innocent people whose only crime was not being Israelites. I don’t know about you, but if I lived in the next kingdom over, I’d look at this and start wondering how the hell I was going to not be killed off.

Turns out that’s exactly what the good folk of Gibeon were thinking. They make a plan that involves them pretending to be from a far away land. They then set out to make at least some sort of peace with the Jews. When asked why, they have a fun little reply.

… for we have heard of his fame, and all that he did in Egypt. – Joshua 9:9

So apparently all God’s bragging about his evil plans in Exodus paid off. Nice!

Anyhow, the Israelites are all excited about this (though probably bummed that they don’t get to wade to triumph through a river of blood), and they accept a deal with the Gibeonites without consulting God (Joshua 9:14), who could have prevented the upcoming situation, but presumably he was out watching sparrows at the time.

Needless to say the Israelites figure out this little deception and aren’t happy. Joshua pulls aside the Gibeonites and says, “WTF, mate?!”

Then Joshua called for them, and he spoke to them, saying, “Why have you deceived us, saying, ‘We are very far from you, when you dwell near us?” – Joshua 9:22

Naturally the Gibeonites look at him and, basically, say, “What, are you stupid?”

So they answered Joshua and said, “Because your servants were clearly told that the Lord your god commanded his servant Moses to give you all the land, and to destroy all t he inhabitants of the land from before you; therefore we were very much afraid for our lives because of you, and have done this thing. – Joshua 9:24

Well, Joshie is pissed about this, but since they promised to let the enemy live, there’s nothing to be done, so instead he turns them into slaves. But, hey, at least they’ve got their health!

Now is the time where, if I were ruling one of these cities, I’d start talking with all my neighbors and say, “Hey, these Israelites are planning to kill all of us. What say we team up and do something about this?”

This is basically what happens, as a bunch of kings get together and go attack the Gibeonites. They complain to their new masters and war happens.

During this war, something very, very strange happens.

This never happened.

Then Joshua spoke to the Lord in the day when the Lor delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel:

“Sun, stand still over Gibeon.
And Moon, in the Valley of Ajialon”
So the sun stood still,
And the moon stopped,
Till the people had revenge
Upon their enemies.

Is this not written in the Book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and did not hasten to go down for about a whole day. – Joshua 10:12 – 13

Ok, there’s a lot of weirdness here.

First, is it just me, or does that sound like some badly-written attempt at haiku? Let’s see if I can do better.

The Bible sucks ass.
It’s a really awful book.
I hate it a lot!

So, not great, but at least I keep the 5-7-5 going!

Second, the Sun stands still in the sky? Really? The Moon, too? That’s interesting, because that would require that the Earth stop rotating and that the Moon does t he same. Oddly, there’s no effects of this sudden disruption upon the environment. Also, this great celestial event goes unnoticed in the rest of the world. Almost like it never happened at all! Hmmm…

Lastly, the Book of Jasher? My Bible does not have this book. Turns out no one else’s does, either. Read more about ths and some more of the Bible’s Greatest Blunders here!

The next couple chapters are pretty self-explanatory. The titles are “Joshua Conquers the Land” and “The Kings Defeated by Joshua.” Right after that we get some more badly-written Bible verses as one verse, 13:13, tells us that Joshua is old and advanced in years and then, in the same verse, has God tell Joshua the same thing. Argh, I hate this book!

The rest of Joshua’s story seems to consist of nothing more than the Israelites dividing up the spoils and high-fiving each other on a job well done. The Levites get cursed, an Altar gets built and then, finally, Joshua makes his farewell address. The first line has an air of deja vu about it.

And Joshua called for all Israel, for their leaders, for their elders, for their heads, for their judges, and for their officers, and said to them, “I am old, and advanced in age.” – Joshua 23:2

*sigh*

Eventually Joshua up and dies at the age of 110. Not a bad run. He’s burried rather specifically.

And they burried him within the border of his inheritance at Timnath Serah, which is in the mountains of Ephraim, on the north side of Mount Gaash. – Joshua 24:30

Great! The next verse also mentions Joseph’s bones being burried there, so why not go dig them up? I mean, that’s a pretty specific place, yeah? So let’s go digging, and see what we find. Surely if we find the bones of Joshua and Joseph, that helps the cause of the religious out there, right? Of course I think this is as likely as finding the Garden of Eden where it’s supposed to be.

So that’s the end of the Book of Joshua. What a horrible book. What horrible people! Like I’ve said before, we, as a people, are more moral than God, at least going by what he does in this book.

I find it interesting that people still think Joshua was a hero. It’s a sort of culture blindness, I guess, like the one in Romania that leaves people there believing that Vlad Tepes was a great guy because, even though he slaughtered many people in horrible ways, hey, he defended Christianity!

Next time, we see how God is like an old-world Celtic faerie!

Welcome to the next part of my Bible Project, covering the first part of Joshua!

As we all know, the Nazis were a pack of evil fucks. They started a war that cost the lives of millions, rounded up and killed six million Jews, as well as hundreds of thousands of Rom, homosexuals and others, and, well, just generally did a lot of really unpleasantly evil things.

Some of these things included acts like the Khatyn massacre (an entire town rounded up and killed; from newborn babies to old people), the destruction of Lidice (killed every male over 16, sent most of the rest of the population to concentration camps), the Marzabotto massacre (over a thousand people killed, including 250 that were under the age of sixteen, 45 of which were under the age of two), and many, many more. It’s no wonder they lost the war; they were too busy killing millions of innocent people.

But, hey, they were only following orders, right? Doing what the government and leadership told them to do. Besides, God was on their side, right? Why the German military’s motto was “Gott mit uns“. Clearly it was God’s will that they be doing what they did.

I mention all of this because we’re going to be discussing a Jewish war crime today. We’re going to be talking about Jericho, and its destruction is every bit as evil, thorough and atrocious as anything the Germans did during World War Two.

As the book opens, Moses is dead and God is chatting with Joshua about the future.

“Moses my servant is dead. Now therefore, arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, to the land which I am giving to them – the children of Israel.
“Every place that the sole of your foot will read upon I have given you, as I said to Moses.” – Joshua 1:2 – 3

Good to see that God still hasn’t learned how not to torture a sentence. He then spews a lot of crap which basically boils down to manifest destiny. Joshua then gives a similar speech, everyone swears loyalty to him and we quickly come to the problem of Jericho.

Jericho is an interesting city, given that it’s older than the Earth. Seriously! According to a lot of religious people, the Earth has been around for about 6,000 years, though the city itself is about 11,000 years old. Of course there’s several cities out there older than six-thousand years, which is yet more proof, were any needed, that religion is wrong about a lot of things. But moving on.

Jericho stands between the nation of Israel and what they want, so of course they have to invade it. Problem is, the city has massive, highly-fortified walls, making any conquest somewhat difficult. Never fear, though, for the Jews have a plan.

Now Joshua the son of Nun sent out two men from Acacia Groove to spy secretly, saying, “Go, view the land, especially Jericho.” So they went, and came to the house of a harlot named Rahab, and lodged there. – Joshua 2:1

The local king hears that a couple spies are in town, so he sends some guards to have a little “chat” with Rahab about the men staying with her. She lies and says they aren’t there, the guards believe her and go off on a wild goose chase while the spies are hidden within her home. Once the guards are gone, she goes to the men and chats with them.

Now before they lay down, she came up to them on the roof,
and said to the men: “I know that the Lord has given you the land, that the terror of you has fallen on us, and that all the inhabitants of the land are fainthearted because of you.
“For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were on the other side of the Jordan, Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed.
“And as soon as we heard these things, our hearts melted; neither did there remain any more courage in anyone because of you, for the Lord your God, he is god in heaven above and on the earth beneath.
“Now therefore, I beg you, swear to me by the Lord, since I have shown you kindness, that you will also show kindness to my father’s house, and give me a true token,
“and spare my my father, my mother, my brothers, my sisters, and all that they have, and deliver our lives from death.”
So the men answered her, “Our lives for yours, if none of you tell this business of ours. And it shall be, when the Lord has given us the land, that we will deal kindly and truly with you.” – Joshua 2:8 – 14

So basically this woman is a traitor, not that the Bible thinks of her that way (“Treason never profits, what’s the reason? Why, if it profits, none dare call it treason.” I don’t know who said that, but it’s spot-on). Basically she’s selling her entire nation down the river in exchange for the safety of her and her family. Charming. This would be if someone in England gave the Germans information about how the Brits had broken the ENIGMA code in exchange for the life of their family. Sure, it would result in the United Kingdom being conquered, but who cares, as long as this one person’s family is alive?

Also it’s worth noting that she basically points out that, yeah, the people of Jericho heard what happened in Egypt and other places and are scared shitless of God. I guess all God’s bragging about doing evil deeds so his enemies would be scared of him worked, eh?

So the men swear an oath to Rahab and run back to Joshua. He’s quite pleased at this turn of events and plans his attack. He does so with a surprisingly large army.

About forty thousand men prepared for war crossed over [the Jordan river] before the Lord for battle, to the plains of Jericho. Joshua 4:13

40,000? 40,000?! Listen, that’s about eight Roman Legions. The Romans were only able to maintain such a huge military (by the standards of the day), by having a large empire with a good-sized tax base. I strongly doubt the Israelites had forty thousand men out there preparing for battle. They just didn’t have the support structure. Four thousand I can buy, but that’s not what it says.

Before we can go into battle, though, we first have to decimate our troops through infections caused by circumcision.

At that time the Lord said to Joshua, “Make flit knives for yourself, and circumcise the sons of Israel again for the second time.” Joshua 5:2

Er… ok, look. I’m sure this is some error in translation or something, but “again for the second time”?! First, this implies that it was already done once, then done again, and is now being done again for the second time. This means that these poor fellows have been under the knife three times. Is there even anything left at that point?

Moving on we arrive at Jericho and behold the master plan to take the city.

[God said] “You shall march around the city, all you men of war’ you shall go around all the city once. This you shall do six days.” – Joshua 6:3

So, there we have it. For those of you expecting a pitched battle, don’t get your hopes up. Basically the Jews marched in a circle around the city for six days.

Now I don’t know about you, but had I been manning the walls in Jericho and saw that all these forty thousand men were doing was walking in circles, I’d start doing things (ie: shooting at them, dropping rocks and boiling oil onto them), etc. I’d do whatever I could to make sure I killed as many of these soldiers as possible while they’re wasting time treating my city like a Maypole.

Anyhow, these clowns dance around the city, carrying the infamous Ark of the Covenant, and then after six days blow on a ram’s horn which somehow causes the city walls to collapse. Well, I guess this is what you get when you hire out the walls to the lowest possible bidder, who also happens to be your brother-in-law.

So having knocked down walls that were, I presume, made of bread crumbs, Joshua tells his forces what the next plan is.

“Now the city shall be doomed by the Lord to destruction, it and all who are in it. Only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all who are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers we sent.
“And you, by all means abstain from the accursed things, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it.
“But all the silver and gold, and vessels of bronze and iron, are consecrated to the Lord; they shall come into the treasury of the Lord.” – Joshua 6:17 – 19

Well, clearly I was mistaken earlier. Obviously the army can indeed by this large if you get money by pillaging various cities, wiping out their populations and stealing all their money. Also, clearly, the Jewish army is basically run and manned by thugs with no sense of decency who rape and pillage in a way that would make a Viking blush.

I say this because even Vikings, brutal and savage though they were, would hesitate before doing what Joshua has the army do next. The Holocaust of Jericho is in the offing.

And they utterly destroyed all that wasin the city, both man and woman, young and old, ox an sheep and donkey, with the edge of the sword. – Joshua 6:21

There you have it. From the Bible itself we have a massive, horrible, war crime perpetrated by the Jews against innocent civilians. It’s notable for being especially brutal, even by the standards of the time. The usual course of action would be to kill all the enemy soldiers, kill most of the males of fighting age, kill the old people, rape the women and girls, and then sell the women and children into slavery. It would suck to be sure, but at least they’d be alive. The animals would, in the meantime, be brought back as spoils of war, in addition to all the gold and silver and the like.

Actions like those would be reprehensible enough, but what the Jews do here is truly indefensible. Even a lot of apologists have trouble with it, falling back on the old, “God said to do it, so that’s ok.” The fact that it bothers them, though, indicates they are more moral than God. Bearing that in mind, I still have to ask why people worship such an inhuman monster.

After the raping and murdering is done (rape isn’t mentioned, but we can be sure it happened), the wealth of the city is gathered up and the city itself is burned to the ground. The money goes into the treasury and Rahab, apparently, becomes an immortal. Why do I say this?

And Joshua spared Rahab the harlot, her father’s household, and all that she had. So she dwells in Israel to this day… – Joshua 6:25

Ok, clearly what’s meant here by “to this day” is “to the time when this story was being told”, but it doesn’t actually say that. Therefore, since it says she dwells in Israel to this day, we can assume she’s still alive. After all, the Bible wouldn’t lie, right? So why don’t we find her and talk with her, hmmm? Imagine all that could be learned from a woman over three-thousand years old.

What a fundamentally horrible story this is. I find historical equivalents from people like Geghis Khan, who was in the habit of destroying cities who refused to surrender, but even then I don’t think he killed everyone. Even the Nazis usually showed more restraint than this. Yes, I’m saying in this once instance (as well as a few others), the Jews behaved worse than the Nazis.

And people call the Bible “the good book” and talk about what wonderful life lessons you can learn from it. Pardon me while I throw up.

Next time, Gods enemies try a little subterfuge! Think it’ll work?

In this latest post in my Bible Project we, at long last!, reach the end of Deuteronomy and the end of the Pentateuch. Yes, after many months of wandering in the metaphorical desert I have finally reached the Promised Land: an end to this nonsense and a return to narrative!

But before we leave and go forth to a land flowing with story and characters, we first have to navigate the remainder of this really, really boring, unpleasant part of the Bible.

We start with the Laws Concerning War. I’m assuming this is a Bronze Age version of the Geneva Convention, and that it’s full of things like not harming civilians, treating prisoners of war decently and the like. You know, the sort of things civilized nations do.

”When you go near a city to fight against it, then proclaim an offer of peace to it

“And it shall be that if they accept your offer of peace, and open to you, then all t he people who are found in it shall be placed under tribute to you, and serve you.

“Now the city will not make peace with you, but makes war against you, then you shall besiege it.

“And when the Lord your god delivers it into your hands, you shall strike every male in it with the edge of the sword.

“But the women, the little ones, the livestock, and all that is in the city, all its spoil, you shall plunder for yourself; and you shall eat the enemies plunder which the Lord your god gives you.

“Thus you shall do to all the cities which are very far from you, which are not of the cities of these nations.

“But of the cities of these peoples which the Lord your god gives you as an inheritance, you shall let nothing that breathes remain alive.

“but you shall utterly destroy them: the Hittite and the Amorite and the Canaanite and the Perizzite and the Hivite and the Jebusite, just as the Lord your god has commanded you.

“lest they teach you to do according to all their abominations which they have done for their gods, and you sin against the Lord your god.” – Deuteronomy 20:10 – 18

Well. How ghastly. Sadly, par for the course here. We have yet more hate and evil, yet more genocide and intolerance, yet more slavery, rape and murder directed at women and children. Again I’m forced to ask believers, how can you possibly believe a being that condones these things is anything other than hateful, evil, spiteful and cruel? Surely no creature that does these things is worth your love and affection.

Next we find out what should be done when your children act up.

”If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and who, when they have chastened him, will not heed them,

“then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out tot he elders of his city, to the gate of his city.

“And they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’

“Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death with stones; so you shall put away the evil from among you, and all Israel shall hear and fear.” – Deuteronomy 21:18 – 21

Fear is right. Good grief! Just for the simple “crime” of disobeying ones parents a child should be murdered. Nice. I notice also that apparently gluttony and alcoholism are both crimes deserving of death. Well, good thing that’s not enforced now, right? Otherwise George W would’ve never had the chance to learn his lesson and be “born again”, thus depriving the Christianistas of one of their great icons.

Next we find out exactly why the fundies hate transvestites.

”A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the Lord your god.” – Deuteronomy 22:5

And we revisit an old favorite.

”You shall not wear a garment of different sorts, such as wool and linen mixed together.” – Deuteronomy 22:11

“Yes, cause who knows what horrible thing might happen then?” he typed sarcastically.

Fuck, what’s not an abomination to this horribly evil monster? It appears almost anything humanity does aside from sitting quietly and admiring God’s countenance is a crime. Even then you’d probably be stoned to death for laziness. What a prick.

Next we come to a nice bit showing how all-inclusive God is when it comes to religious services.

”He who is emasculated by crushing or mutilation shall not enter the assembly of the Lord.

“One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord. – Deuteronomy 23:1 – 2

I wonder how this applied to all those poor castrati out there. You know, those innocent children whose only crime was having a lovely singing voice and were castrated (often by the Church or its representatives), in order to be able to keep singing in their angelic way. Surely they shouldn’t have been allowed anywhere near the churches, but instead they were not only allowed, but were there to sing God’s praises. Clearly God was miffed by this.

And for those poor bastards out there, well, since your parents had sex out of wedlock, you, personally, are not allowed to go to church and are likely denied any salvation. So are your children, grand children, great-grand children, great-great-grand children, great-great-great-grand children, great-great-great-great-grand children, great-great-great-great-great-grand children, great-great-great-great-great-great-grand children, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand children, and your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand children. Assuming two kids per person per generation, soon we have thousands of people that are damned because one couple had a child out of wedlock.

Remember, God loves you!

Now we come to a passage that’s led to a great deal of unpleasantness over the centuries.

”You shall not charge interest to your brother- interest on money or food or anything that is lent out at interest.

“To a foreigner you may charge interest, but to your brother you shall not charge interest, that the Lord your god may bless you in all to which you set your hand in the land which you are entering to possess.” – Deuteronomy 23:19 – 20

Seems pretty harmless, yeah? But this passage is what has enabled Jewish bankers throughout the centuries to charge interest in money lent, often to kings and countries. This inevitably led to them wanting to get paid back and the kings and such responding by kicking them out of the country. One of the Edwards in England did exactly that, banning all Jews from England. It’s also what’s led to the stereotypes of Jewish moneylenders and Jews being good with money.

Up next, God places limits on how much food you can steal from your neighbor.

“When you come into your neighbor’s vineyard, you may eat your fill of grapes at your pleasure, but you shall not put any in your container.

“When you come into your neighbor’s standing grain, you may pluck the heads with your hand, but you shall not use a sickle on your neighbor’s standing grain. – Deuteronomy 23:24 – 25

What. The. Fuck? If there are any Biblical scholars reading this, I’d really like to know what the hell this is supposed to be about, please. I mean, from what I can tell, it’s instructions on what you might legitimately steal from your neighbor. If you’re there with your neighbor’s permission, why does God set limits on how much stuff you can take?

Imagine for a moment that a grape-grower is offering you some grapes.

“Take here this basket, that you might fill it with grapes.”

“Nay, brother, I shall not. For if I do this thing, this thing you suggest, and harvest those grapes into this basket, they will be as ashes in my mouth and surely God’s wrath will descend upon our people.”

“So what else is new? Surely it is my business to whom I give my grapes and in what manner.”

“You’d think so, but Smitey McGee up there has other ideas and will destroy us all.”

(ominous thunder in the background)

“Right. Thou shalt only harvest mine grapes with thy hands and eateth to they pleasure and junk.”

“Spiffy.”

Ok, possibly I take some liberties with the dialogue. The point is, why does God put forth this odd little rule? No reason I can discern.

Having interfered in personal property usage, God now puts the smack-down on anyone who has different sized measuring cups.

”You shall not have in your house differing measures, a large and a small.” – Deuteronomy 25:14

Buh? I assume this is some thing on not cheating people by offering stuff measured with one set of weights or cups or whatever, that are inaccurate and different from another set, but it’s still odd and devastating to the baking industry.

We go past a series of curses and then onto the consequences of disobeying God (hint: death). We go past God renewing his promise to Israel and the blessings of returning to God. Then we wind up seeing the next leader of the Jewish people, a fellow named Joshua, who heads out with the following blessing from Moses, who is about to die.

”The Lord your god himself crosses over before you; he will destroy these nations from before you, and you shall dispossess them. Joshua himself crosses over before you, just as the Lord has said.” – Deuteronomy 31:3

You know, this brings up a good question, which is this: if God is omnipotent, why doesn’t he just wipe out everyone who doesn’t believe in him and then just let the Jews have their lands? Why does he tell these people, basically, “Go forth, fight and die that my name will be glorious among men!” Oh, wait, that’s the kind of question that answers itself, huh?

Still, it’s a valid point. If God can just wave his hand and wipe out these other people, why doesn’t he? It’s like Bill Maher’s question in Religiulous, where he wondered what God was waiting for when it comes to wiping out evil.

We finish Deuteronomy, and the Pentateuch, on a song, and then Moses dies, and good riddance. Thus ends the first five books of the Bible.

Rest in peace, you evil fuck.

What a horribly unpleasant read. For every bit of decency and good behavior, there’s at least twenty examples of horribly evil, wrong and immoral behavior, often from God himself.

This I believe illustrates an important part of Biblical morality. We in the 21st century are more moral than God. We don’t engage in genocide (though we do tend to ignore it unless it’s happening to white people). We don’t engage in slavery. We don’t round up our enemy’s women and rape them (and those soldiers who do, get punished). We don’t loot. We don’t burn down our enemy’s cities and sow the earth with salt. We don’t punish people with death of minor transgressions. We don’t do any of these things.

We have a better, more enlightened sense of morality than the barbarians who made up God and who wrote the Bible. This is important to understand here. The things the Bible talks about are incredibly evil, and we, as a people, aren’t. We don’t do these things and we don’t condone others doing them. Yet we hold up the Bible as some great paragon of virtue.

While there are undoubtedly certain good things and good morals the Bible teaches, for the most part, at least in the parts I’ve read this far, it’s immoral and evil. If it’s a truly holy book, inspired by God, then there shouldn’t be any evil in it at all; it should be all good. It isn’t, and what I’ve read so far illustrates this wonderfully.

Up next, we return to stories, as we get Joshua!

Welcome to the latest part of my Bible project! This part, like the previous, is all Deuteronomy (aka: Moses’ victory lap). It’s basically more of what we’ve already seen, so expect lots of references back to the previous articles in this series and elsewhere on this site.

First, we see that God’s an insecure jackass who requires, not asks, not hopes, but requires that you love him.

’… I command you today, to love the Lord your God and serve him with all your heart and with all your soul’. – Deuteronomy 11:13

Again we see this as a fine example of an abusive relationship. I mean, what kind of being tries to force people to love him? Creepy is what that is.

Next we have proof that God is very much against freedom of religion (like more proof was needed).

”You shall utterly destroy all the places where the nations you shall dispossess served their gods, and on the high mountains on the hills and under every green tree.

“And you shall destroy their altars, break their sacred pillars, and burn their wooden images with fire; you shall cut down the carved images of their gods and destroy their names from that place.” – Deutronomy 12:2 – 3

Deuteronomy 12:2 - 3

Remember back in 2001 when the Taliban blew up the Buddhas of Bamiyan? We bitched and moaned, but didn’t really care, cause it was March of 2001 and we thought we could safely ignore Afghanistan (wrong). Really, people who believe in the Bible have no reason to complain. After all, the Taliban was just following God’s words here, right?

Moving on we find some words on blood.

”Only be sure that you do not eat the blood, for the blood is the life; you may not eat the life with the meat.” – Deuteronomy 12:23

Again, I’m wondering if this is part of where the Jehovah’s Witnesses get their particular beliefs surrounding blood. I still don’t get how eating blood is the same as blood transfusion, but ok.

Next up, God hates emos:

”You are the children of the Lord your God; you shall not cut yourselves…” – Deuteronomy 14:1

Oh, sorry, emo kids. Don’t worry. God may hate you, but I love you.

Seriously, though, I do find myself thinking about something. “the children of the Lord” is what we’re called in the Bible. Children. God views us in the book as his children. Ok, that’s fine, but real children get the chance to grow up, and according to God, we don’t. We’re his kids and his property and his playthings, and he’ll do with us as we please.

We go onto a list of clean and unclean foods. Fun fact: clean ones include certain birds, like the bat (Deut 14:18). One would think God would’ve known bats aren’t birds, but, oh, well.

I do find myself wondering why God would’ve bothered to create “unclean” animals. That doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? Why not just create clean ones? Or why not just make the unclean animals clean? Then people can eat whatever they like.

We come next to a bit on forgiving debts after seven years (Deut 15:1), and then some very good words about treatment of the poor.

”If there is among you a poor man of your brethren, within any of the gates in your land which the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not harden your hearth nor shut your hand from your poor brother,

“but you shall open your hand wide to him and willing lend him sufficient for his need, whatever he needs.” – Deuteronomy 15:7 – 8

You know, if more of the Bible were like this, I might not be so hard on it. But while little homilies like this are nice, they’re diamonds in the rough field of genocide and evil, at least so far. Perhaps when I get to the New Testament, things will improve. Perhaps.

Now we come to a lovely bit on how to treat slaves. Specifically it’s a passage on how to treat a slave who, once you free him, decides he doesn’t want to leave.

”And if it happens that he says to you, ‘I will not go away from you,’ because he loves you and your home, since he prospers with you,

“then you shall take an awl and thrust it through his ear to the door, and he shall be your servant forever. Also your female servant you shall do likewise.” – Deuteronomy 15:16 – 17

Well… yikes. I mean, come on! That’s just downright creepy and weird.

Up next is a little bit about bribery and how it’s bad (Deut 16:19), and then we get to something that’s proving what I’ve suspected all along.

”The priests, the Levites – all the tribe of Levi – shall have no part nor inheritance with Israel; they shall eat the offerings of the Lord made by fire, and his portion.” – Deuteronomy 18:1

Throughout the Bible, every time I’ve come across a line about how people have to sacrifice certain meats, I think to myself, “And that night the priests eat well”. Turns out my sarcastic notion was exactly correct.

Finally we end this segment with one of the most unpleasant, brutal quotes so far.

”Your eye shall not pity [a condemned criminal]; life shall be for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.” – Deuteronomy 19:21

How much evil and pain has this statement caused? How many innocent people have been maimed or killed because of it? Gandhi once said that an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, and he was exactly correct. It’s not justice; it’s revenge.

Coming up next time, we find out what to do when there’s an unsolved murder. I say, call Columbo!

Welcome to the newest part of my Bible Project and the first part of Deuteronomy! This book is basically just a rehash of the Exodus and essentially seems to be Moses’ farewell address/victory lap. As such, it covers a lot of ground we’ve already seen, and includes plenty of the evil we’ve come to expect of the Bible. Let’s get to it!

We start with what’s actually a good line about laws. This is Moses repeating what God said to him.

’You shall not show partiality in judgment; you shall hear the small as well as the great; you shall not be afraid in any man’s presence, for the judgment is God’s. The case that is too hard for you, bring to me and I will hear it.’ – Deuteronomy 1:17

A promising start, actually, as it’s basically a call to treat people fairly in legal situations. I can’t find anything there to complain about, aside from the notion of leaving it up to God if you find the case too hard to deal with. God has shown himself to be anything but impartial in this story so far.

Speaking of which, we next come to some bragging about genocide.

”And we utterly destroyed them, as we did to Shion king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women and children of every city.

“But all the livestock and the spoil of the cities we took as booty for ourselves. – Deuteronomy 3:6 – 7

“Booty”? What is this, The Pirates of Palestine? Do we get Aaron singing, “I am the very model of a Bronze Age prophet’s brother”?

And, again, I fail to see how this is any different from what the Nazis did to the Jews. In fact, it’s exactly the same, since after killing the Jews, the Nazis stole from them, even to the point of taking gold from fillings. What goes around comes around, perhaps?

Next we go past some mention of giants (Deut 3:11), and a warning against idolatry and wind up at the Ten Commandments. Now you may have thought you already read about those in a previous entry and you did, but here they are again, in a slightly different form. The first commandment is the usual, “I am the lord your God,” crap, but the second one is interesting.

’You shall not make for yourself a carved image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth;

You shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the lord your God, am a jealous god [no shit], visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me. – Deuteronomy 5:8 – 9

Well, that’s fair and just, yeah? Punishing the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren for a crime their ancestor committed. Gotta love that sense of peace, fairness and justice, eh? Remember: he’s your god, people, not mine.

Naughty, naughty!

Also, I can’t help but think of things like Michelangelo’s David, the Last Supper, and any number of other religiously based artworks. Surely those all violate this commandment, yes? I know one of the Ecumenical Synods (the fifth, I think), dealt with this issue and wormed their way around it, but I don’t see how, since it seems quite explicit to me. Possibly there’s a footnote my Bible is missing. *

Anyhow, eventually after rehashing the other commandments, we get to what God apparently considers the most vital, most important commandment of them all. What do you think it is? Something about love and forgiveness? Something about learning how to think logically? Something about placing the outhouse away from the well?

Ha. Think again. It’s a commandment that proves that you need to be God to have a God-like ego.

”You shall love the lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength. – Deuteronomy 6:5

*sigh* What kind of ego does this display, really? How can anyone follow a god like this?

Now we move onto something called “The Blessings of Obedience”. Sounds like something one would urge ones slaves to read. It’s also where we reveal that God might actually be a dalek.

”and when the lord your god delivers them over to you, you shall conquer them and utterly destroy them. You shall make no covenant with them nor show mercy to them.

“Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son.

“For they will turn your sons away from following me, to serve other gods; so the anger of the Lord will be aroused against you and destroy you suddenly.

“But thus shall you deal with them: you shall destroy their altars, and break down their sacred pillars, and cut down their wooden images, and burn their carved images with fire.

“For you are a holy people to the lord your god; the lord your god has chosen you to be a people for himself, a special treasure above all the peoples on the face of the Earth. – Deuteronomy 7:2 – 6

You know, to me this one passage tells you just about everything you need to know about the Bible. Here we show God being capricious, evil, genocidal and a massive egoist. He owns the Jews, as much as a master owns his slaves. He tells them they are special and urges them to go out and make war against what I shall, for the sake of comedy, refer to as untermenschen. He screams about how other beings are basically inferior and should be “utterly destroyed”.

I really hate having to bring this up yet again, but how is God different from Hitler? He’s against the homosexuals (Lev 18-22), and certainly seems to favor genocide against “inferior peoples”. The only difference is that he puts the Jews above everyone instead of the Aryans.

In case I haven’t spelled this out before: God is evil. There is no other sane, rational, intelligent way of viewing him given his behavior just in the Pentateuch. He’s a horrible monster who is bent on destroying anyone who doesn’t worship him night and day, and sometimes destroys even them for fun (see: Job). It is sickening that anyone in modern times would want to follow this horrible creature.

Anyhow, moving on from this nasty bit of nastiness, we come to a bit of levity, at least from a certain point of view, where the topic of circumcision comes up.

”Therefore circumcise the foreskin of your heart, and be stiff-necked no longer. – Deuteronomy 10:16

* But probably not.

Nice ass, Balaam!

And so, in this, the latest chapter of my Bible Project, we finally arrive at the end of Numbers, and to all those who believe the Bible tells us a good way to live our lives in modern times, I invite you to pay close attention to this article.

First up, we come to one of the odder parts of the Bible; Balaam and his talking ass (sounds like something the talent agent from Pharaoh’s palace might like to book). Balaam is this guy who is heading off to meet Balak. I know that’s not terribly informative, but who he is doesn’t matter so much as what happens to him as he’s traveling along with his donkey.

And when the donkey saw the Angel of the Lord, she lay down under Balaam; so Balaam’s anger was aroused, and he struck the donkey with his staff.

Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?” – Numbers 22:27 – 28

Balaam, of course, goes, “Holy shit, a talking donkey! Fame and fortune, here I come!” Actually, he doesn’t. Nor does he get freaked out and say, “Holy shit, a talking donkey! I must be tripping balls right now.” Instead, he takes it pretty calmly, and tells the donkey he should’ve hit it with a sword instead. The Angel of the Lord gets pissy about this, and it goes downhill from there (though amazingly Balaam doesn’t get smote to death).

This is a weird scene on a couple levels. First, the Bible hasn’t got many talking animals. Really, I can think of only this one and the serpent in Eden. Other mythologies have them up the ying-yang.

Second, what the hell? Why does God pick this way to communicate? Seems awfully roundabout to me. What happened the crack of thunder, “I am the LORD thy God,” kind of stuff? Oh, well. Possibly God just thought it might be entertaining.

We next go through a couple prophecies of Balaam, and then onto something known as “The Zeal of Phinehas”, which sounds almost like the title of some Doctor Who episode.

The scene begins with the Israelites hanging out with the folk of Moab.

Now Israel remained in Acacia Grove, and the people began to commit harlotry with the women of Moab.

They invited the people to the sacrifices of their gods, and the people ate and bowed down to their gods. – Numbers 25:1 – 2

Acacia Grove? What was this, some high-end housing development on the banks of the Jordan?

Here at Acacia Gove, you’ll find quality homes at affordable prices. Our lavish temple and sacrificial grounds are second-to-none, and our special slave quarters will have you beating them with delight. With great entertainment options like weekly stonings, designed to appeal to all members of the family (bring the kids!), you won’t have to leave home to have a good time.

Acacia Grove. The next best thing to Heaven (though not in a blasphemous way).

As for the rest, ok, they invited the Israelites to come see their services. Seems reasonable to me, but then again, I’m not some whiny, petty, petulant, jealous god with a massive inferiority complex.

So Israel was joined to Baal of Peor, and the anger of the Lord was aroused against Israel. [Yeah, like that’s hard to do]

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Take all the leaders of the people and hang the offenders before the Lord, out in the sun, that the fierce anger of the Lord may turn away from Israel.”

So Moses said to the judges of Israel, “Every one of you kill his men who were joined to Baal of Peor.”

And indeed, one of the children of Israel came and presented his brethren a Midianite woman in the sight of Moses and in the site of all the congregation of the children of Israel who were weeping at the door of the tabernacle meeting.

Now when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose from among the congregation and took a javelin in his hand;

And he went after the man of Israel into the tent and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her body. So the plague was stopped among the children of Israel.

And those who died in the plague were twenty-four thousand. – Numbers 25:4 – 9

Ah, here we have the usual level of restraint. Yes, let’s butcher 24,000 people just because they schlepped off with some other god. I also note that the usual commandment of “thou shalt not kill” need not apply when one is being told by God that it’s ok to kill someone. I wonder, for those who think our laws should follow the Bible, would saying “God told me to kill” be an acceptable defense? After all, how can you prove God didn’t tell the murderer to kill someone?

Next we go through another census, every bit as riveting as the first. Then we come to an interesting part where some women are talking about their dead father.

”Our father died in the wilderness; but he was not in the company of those who gathered together against the Lord, in company with Korah, but he died in his own sin; and he had no sons.

“Why should the name of our father be removed from among his family because he had no son? Give us a possession among our father’s brothers.”

So Moses brought their case before the Lord.

And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying:

“The daughters of Zelophenhad speak what is right; you shall surely give them a possession of inheritance among their father’s brothers; and cause the inheritance of their father to pass to them.” – Numbers 27:3 – 8

There follows a set of laws about who gets what when someone dies.

I have to say that I find this surprisingly enlightened. Normally the Bible is effectively destroying women, but in this one case it empowers them, however slightly. I do find myself wondering how this would affect Salic Law, however. Either way, savor this moment of gender-niceness, cause it won’t last.

Next we find out that God wants a drink for him, and one for his hommies (Numbers 28:7), encounter a great many laws about sacrifices and then finally get to another fine moment of Biblical morality; the war against the Midianites.

And they warred against the Midianiates, just as the Lord commanded Moses, and they killed all the males.

They killed the kings of Midian with the rest of those who were killed – Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and Reba, the five kings of Midian. Balaam the son of Beor they also killed with the sword. [and there was much rejoicing from PETA]

And the children of Israel took the women of Midian captive, with their little ones and took as spoil all their cattle, all their flocks, and all their goods.

They also burned with fire [what, as opposed to burning with snow?], all the cities where they dwelt, and all their forts.

And they took all the spoil and all the booty – of man and beast. – Numbers 31:7 – 11

Hang on, it gets worse as they go to find out what to do with all this loot.

And Moses said to them, “Have you kept all the women alive?

“Look, these women caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to trespass against the Lord in the incident of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord.

“Now, therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man intimately.

“But keep alive for yourselves all the young girls who have not known a man intimately.” – Numbers 31:15 – 19

And there we have it. Moses, the great prophet of three of the world’s religions, telling people to murder innocent children whose only crime was having the wrong parents.

Put yourself in the role of a Midian girl for a few moments. Pretend that you’re not yet married, but your older sister is, and has three sons who you love dearly as though they were your own. You love your sister, as well, and her husband. Of course you also love your own dear mother.

Now imagine these Israelites invade, kill your brothers and your father as well as your brother-in-law. You’re hauled off in chains along with the rest of your family. You’re devastated, but at least you’re alive.

Then you see some conversation among your attackers. The next thing you know, your sister, your mother and your nephews are all placed into a line. Then before your horrified eyes you watch them being killed one by one. You hear their screams of agony and terror, and know that all those, especially the cries of the young boys as they are being butchered, will remain with you forever. Then, just to make things even worse, you’re hauled off and made the “wife” of one of the invaders, sentenced to a life of pain, misery and constant rape, all because you dared to be from the wrong country.

This is a touchy question, but it needs to be asked: how is this any different from what the Nazis did to the Jews? They took over places the Jews were living, rounded them up and murdered them, occasionally leaving the women alive as playthings. If what the Nazis did was wrong, which I hope we can all agree it was, then how is it ok for the Jews to have done the same thing themselves back in the day?

Answer: It is not. This is further proof, were any needed, that the Bible is primarily a book of evil, pain and suffering the like of which is seldom seen in the world. Any book that pushes this sort of behavior and says it’s justifiable is evil and wrong. Period. If Mein Kampf is an evil book, then so is the Bible.

Lastly, what’s with this sanitized bit of calling children “little ones”? It’s as bad as calling them “younglings”. Call them “children” and be done with it.

Going past this blood-soaked scene, we come to an exciting passage that I am sure in no way has anything to do with what’s happening in the “Holy” Land these days.

Now the Lord spoke to Moses in the plains of Moab by the Jordan, across from Jericho, saying,

“Speak to the children of Israel, and say to them: ‘When you have crossed the Jordan into the land of Canaan,

‘then you shall drive out all the inhabitants of the land before you, destroy all their engraved stones, destroy all their molded images, and demolish all their high places;

‘you shall dispossess the inhabitants of the land and dwell in it, for I have given you the land to possess.’” – Numbers 33:50 – 53

But wait, there’s more!

”’But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it shall be that those whom you let remain shall be irritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell.

‘Moreover it shall be that I will do to you as I thought to do to them.’” – Numbers 33:55 – 56

So, in summary, “Go kill all the current rightful owners of this land. If you don’t kill them all, then a: they’ll be around to piss you off and b: I’ll destroy the lot of you.” Nice. And this is a being worthy of our love and worship, eh? A being of pure, infinite forgiveness and justice. Right.

What an awful, blood-soaked tome the Bible is. How can any thinking, modern person possibly believe this is a good book, worthy of adoration? I’m guessing only by extensively lying to themselves about the content and saying, “Well, parts are bad, but the overall message is good!” The Pentateuch does not bear out this theory so far.

I think I need a shower.

Next up, Deuteronomy! Can’t wait to find out what Deuteronomy actually is. I’m wondering if it’s related to sodomy. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but I’m betting that someone’s getting fucked either way.

So here we are again! Yes, another part of my series on the Bible!

You may have noticed there’s quite a gap between posts lately. Well, this is partly because I have other things going on in my life and partly because Numbers is really, really hard to read. I can’t wait until I’m outta the Pentateuch and onto the regular stories again!

Anyhow, gird your loins, cause here comes some more of Numbers!

We start with laws concerning offerings. What a zesty, exciting read this isn’t! Nevertheless, I do find one part to be of interest.

Now while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day.

And those who found him gathering sticks brought him to Moses and Aaron, and to all the congregation.

They put him under guard, because it had no been explained what should be done to him. – Numbers 15:32 – 15:34

Now what, I ask, do you think a good punishment should be for someone in this case? Here we have someone who committed a “crime” by violating a “law” that said you can’t do any work on the Sabbath. Gathering sticks apparently counts as work. So what would a reasonable, rational, compassionate, just society do in this case? Well, they probably wouldn’t have a law like this in the first place, much less consider it a crime worth punishing. Frankly, that’s the kind of stuff the Taliban does.

Gimme that old time religion!

Speaking for myself, I’d say, “Yeah, whatever, next time stock up on sticks the night before. Now go away.” But what does God do? What does the Bible tell us is the right, correct and moral thing to do?

Then the Lord said to Moses, “The man must surely be put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones outside the camp.

So, as the Lord commanded Moses, all the congregation brought him outside the camp and stoned him with stones and he died. – Numbers 15:35 – 15:36

How is this right and proper? This man hurt no one; he just gathered sticks on a day he shouldn’t. We don’t know why. Perhaps he was sick the day before, but needed to have wood so he could have a fire that night and not freeze. Perhaps he just felt like gathering sticks instead of sitting on his ass, or donkey. Either way is this really a crime that should be punished by something as horrible as stoning a man to death? This really is an awful way to die. Just imagine for a few moments what it must be like. You stand there, waiting for the rocks to fly. The first one hits you. You stagger a bit, but then its friends arrive, hitting you everywhere. You try to cover your head and other vital parts, but it does no good. Eventually a few hits to the head land and you die in great pain, misery and anguish.

Yes, just the exact punishment anyone should receive for gathering sticks on the Sabbath.

Moving on past this sad scene, we go past a would-be rebellion. David Plotz, in his articles “Blogging the Bible”, which inspired my articles, comments on this by saying:

An astonishing rebellion against Moses (and God). A Levite named Korah and a few sidekicks denounce Moses and Aaron: Moses has cut the people off from God and tried to hoard God’s love for himself. The rebels declare: “For all the community are holy, all of them, and the Lord is in their midst. Why then do you raise yourself above the Lord’s congregation?”

This may be the first recorded example of what has become the fundamental conflict in all religions: religious elite vs. the people. (See, for example, the pope vs. Martin Luther.) Korah asks an essential question: Why should the few priests and prophets monopolize God? What’s so great about them that they control access to the divine? In the 3,500 years since, many religions have come down on Korah’s side of this question, deciding that God belongs to the masses, not an anointed elite. But the Bible doesn’t. It rules emphatically—smitingly—for Moses and Aaron, for the few rather than the many.

He has a point there. The Bible doesn’t view this sort of thing the same way we do. Rather like most of the rest of the Bible, it’s got very little to do with modern reality. No sane person these days would believe it’s really ok to stone someone to death for working on the Sabbath, and the vast majority of people would likely agree that you don’t need a priest or a minister to have a relationship with God (though many would say it’s helpful to have one).

Of course God punishes these rebels with death, naturally, and kills their wives and children, too. Again, a wonderful example of a Bronze Age mentality (the sins of the father are visited upon the children), that, according to the Bible, is perfectly fine and acceptable, but which these days would be regarded as appalling and evil.

Not long thereafter the Israelites start bitching about this and so God kills off a great many of them cause, you know, dissent cannot be tolerated. Charming.

Moving on, we see at the end of chapter 20 that Aaron has died. Meh. Good riddance.

Then we come to an odd part of Numbers. The Israelites are bitching about food again. God gets pissed about their constant complaints and so responds as any rational deity would: he sics flaming serpents on them.

So the Lord sent firey serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and many of the people died. Numbers 21:6

Ok, as one of my friends would said, “omgwtfbbq?” This is a very odd, though at least somewhat creative, way of killing people. But Moses eventually intercedes, trying to ruin God’s fun. God could, of course, just snap his fingers and banish the serpents to the Land of Wind and Ghosts, but no. He has a much more complex and weird idea.

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Make a firey serpent, and set it on a pole; and it shall be that everyone who is bitten, when he looks at it, shall live.

So Moses made a bronze serpent, and put it on a pole; and so it was, if a serpent had bitten anyone, when he looked at the bronze serpent, he lived. – Numbers 21:8 – 9

That’s just… bizarre. I mean… wow. That’s so weird I don’t even have a good reply. Damn. I mean, why not just get rid of the serpents? Why set it up so that people are still getting bit, but can fix their bites by looking at a fake snake? This is just truly strange.

Onto one slightly amusing passage where we find out God is, perhaps, a bit of a frat guy at heart.

From there they went to Beer, which is the well where the Lord said to Moses, “Gather the people together, and I will give them water.” – Numbers 21:16

So! Apparently there’s a place called Beer where we find a well. I don’t know. It’s not all that funny, really, but given the tone of the Bible, I’ll take my jokes where I find them, thank you.

And that’s enough for now! Next time, we see Balaam and his talking ass! Get your jokes ready, people!

So a pretty darn lengthy comment was left on my article about the first parts of Genesis. It brought up a lot of points, and I thought it would be best to address them in a separate post rather than just a comment. Here we go!

Quote: After all, where did God come from? This is never explained.

God is and always will be. A computer can only understand or calculate what is put into it. A creation can only comprehend with the ability and capacity that their creator gave them. The Bible does give an explanation in several places. The explaination just doesn’t line up with our thinking. We can’t comprehend it. Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean you should reject it

That doesn’t make any sense. Everything has a start point. Why should we assume God to be any different?

Quote: They don’t know good from evil yet. Further, how would they know what it means to die, since they wouldn’t have seen anyone do so yet?

If God told them not to eat of the fruit of that one particular tree, then they know not to eat it. Adam and Eve weren’t stupid idiots rolling around in mud. Understand that the Lord and Adam/Eve had a relationship. The Bible is quoting in a literary form to give the reader an understanding. I’m sure their conversations went beyond what you’ve read. If God can create the universe, he can teach his creation what it means to die.

The point here is that if the fruit of the tree was what taught Adam and Eve the difference between good and evil, right and wrong, how would they know that eating so would be wrong? They wouldn’t have the knowledge to know they were doing something wicked until they ate the fruit that gave them the ability to know they had done something wicked.

Quote: Right, so, from what we read here, there’s no ethical problem with cloning. Obviously. I mean, Eve was, in this version of creation, a clone of Adam. Logically God would have no problem with cloning if he did it himself.

This is strange statement. Eve was not a clone. If this were the case, then Adam was a clone of the mud. That’s obscene. God’s life giving breath created Adam into a living being, in which the same life giving breath would have formed his rib/flesh, or whatever it was into the first woman.

It was mostly meant as a joke. Anyhow, if you make a living being from a part of another living being that is technically cloning, but obviously God changed the chromosomes enough to make Eve XX instead of XY, so I suppose at that point she might not be considered a clone anymore. So there we go.

Quote: Basically, Cain gave God fruits and vegetables and Abel gave him grilled meat. Now, me, I’d rather have the meat myself, but if someone offers me free food, I’ll take it with a polite thank you.

You’ve misunderstood the text. Abel wanted to please God, and proved it with the best of his flock. Abel recognized the purpose of sacrifice and what it meant and symbollized. Where do you think God got the skins of animals that he clothed Adam and Eve with? This is where the tradition of sacrifice began. Cain was selfish, and did things his way and on his terms.. and in his time. He just brought some of his stuff, after a while.. There was no heart behind it. God requires our first-fruits.

Here is what the text of the Bible actually says on this issue.

Then she bore again, this time his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of the sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.

And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering of the fruit of the ground to the Lord.

Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat. And the lord respected Abel and his offering. – Genesis 4:2 – 4

So we have Cain, a farmer, who brought God some fruits and veggies while his brother, a shepherd, brought some nice mutton. I see nothing here indicating that Abel brought his sacrifice to God before Cain did (it says “in the process of time”, but Abel is shown doing it after Cain did). It also doesn’t say anything about it being low-quality fruit. It appears that God is the one being a jerk here, actually, since the text says “… he did not respect Cain and his offering.” (Genesis 4:5). From what I can tell here, the only blame Cain has is in being a farmer and not a shepherd.

This of course begs the question as to why sacrifice is needed in the first place. Why would God want people who probably have a marginal existence to give him free grub instead of using it to nourish themselves and their families?

Quote: Does God have a second family hidden somewhere?). He therefore puts the Mark of Cain on his face.

We don’t know what the “mark” was. 1 passage from Genesis to another can denote many years. I’m sure Cain was aware that he would see many generations before his death, and his name would have been thrown all over the place by then. The process of multiplication is easy to understand in Genesis. People lived longer, and had tons of children, who had children, who had children.. And yes, they had relations with relatives. How else would the process begin? It was later after the earth was more populated that God commanded mankind to turn away from “incest.”

I’m happy you’re willing to admit that, yeah, probably the boys were boinking their sisters. This is something that gets glossed over extensively in Sunday schools around the world.

Quote: “Well, God must’ve created other people.” True, that’s logically what he would’ve done, I guess. Never gets mentioned, though.

As said before, this is a wrong statement. If you have a chance, grab a chronological Bible with the dates and you’ll further understand the process of population.

I have one Bible and no interest in buying another (actually, I have two, but only one I’m marking up with my highlighter). Besides, I shouldn’t need more than one. If this is the revealed word of God, why would I need another version of that word?

Quote: Ok, well, omniscence again, hello… God knew how this was going to turn out. Why did he create Man in the first place? Anyhow, he decides to do a little something.

God didn’t create puppets. He created human beings with the ability to choose. Once again, understand the Hebrew and how it is expressed. It wasn’t, “Oh crap I made a mistake.” It was, “My heart is grieved.” Just because babies died on earth doesn’t mean they disappeared into no-where land. They are with him forever.

Well, it doesn’t matter if God created puppets or not. If God is all-knowing, then free-will does not exist. You can read more about this in my essay here. It’s simple logic. If God knows everything, then he knows everything you are going to think, say, and do from birth until death. You cannot do anything he does not know in advance, otherwise he would not be omniscient, right? That’s how it works. If you are all-knowing you know everything. Therefore when God made humanity, he knew exactly what they were going to do and that he’d have to flood them out for it.

Oh, and if it’s ok for God to murder innocent babies so they can “be with him forever”, why is it bad for us to do the same? Surely every aborted baby is now in the loving arms of God, right? So how is that bad?

Quote: I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is where the Jehova’s Witnesses get their thing against blood transfusions. Anyone know if I’m right there? Seems odd to me to relate the two, given that there’s a difference between eating blood and having it transfused, but ok. Of course, I wonder how this works out later with things like Communion. You know, “This is my blood”?

If you imagine a world with no sin, and no death – the first presentation of eating an animal would be pretty strange. It’s normal to us, because we are born into that type of world. As far as Communion? It is a symbolizes receiving what Jesus did for us – Communion is fellowship/relationship. You should read in the gospel of John when Jesus explained what he meant. He said, “My words are spiritual, the flesh profits nothing. It is the spirit that gives life” That was his response to the people who had one similar to yours.

Hey, I’m only halfway through Numbers. At the rate I’m going, I won’t be up to the book of John until, oh, 2015 or so.

But that said, what I meant about Communion is this: if the Bible says we aren’t to ingest blood, and in Communion the wine becomes blood, how does that work out? Surely we’d be breaking the ban on drinking blood, right?

Quote: “Please sat you are my sister, that it may be well with me for your sake, and that I may live because of you.” – Genesis 12:13

Quote: … huh? This same trick gets repeated by Abram in Genesis 20:2, and I really don’t get it. He seems to think the people he is visiting will kill him and take his wife if they know he’s married to her. But if she’s just his (presumably single), sister, then they’ll leave her alone. What? I don’t get it. Can someone explain the logic here, please?

You’re right – he was afraid someone would kill him and take his wife. You’re right – If he was just “brother” they would be less encouraged to remove him from the picture. Pharoah wasn’t very friendly. At least that one wasn’t.

I still don’t get how him being the woman’s brother, rather than her husband, would make it less likely that someone would try to hook up with her. I’d think it would make it more likely. After all, she’d be more likely to be a virgin, and we all know how prized virginity is.

As far as unfriendly pharaohs go, you should see what I have to say about the Egyptian leadership in my articles on Exodus!

Quote: Well, aside from the stuff up above that indicates “Yes”, we also find out in Judges 1:19 that God can’t overcome iron chariots. Nothing is said about him being unable to microwave a burrito that is so hot he himself cannot eat it.

Null argument. God’s ultimate purpose prevails. The creator of the universe could wipe all of us out in a snap.

Well, here’s a very short list of things God apparently can’t do:

1. Create humans in such a way that we have free-will but are unable to sin

2. Create humans that have free-will (again, he’s omniscient)

3. Not require people to worship him

4. Not be a petty, vindictive, jealous being

5. Not fight back against an enemy armed with chariots of iron (Judges 1:19 again)

This ignores all the silly ones like “Could God make a rock so heavy he could not lift it,” but these are still valid flaws here.

Quote: If you can’t prove it, why waste your time believing in it?

What about Noah’s Ark that was found in Turkey 6,000 feet in the mountains of Ararat exactly like the Bible said. Same dimensions.. given the fact weather beat the crap out of it for many years. The wood inside had no rings in it. Rings come from Seasons when a tree does all that sappy stuff and grows. The Bible says that a mist covered the earth which produced a perfect green-house effect, and the seasons were perfect – thus no rings in trees.

Find me a single, peer-reviewed source in the mainstream that supports this statement. Whatever it is on Ararat, assuming you’re talking about the Ararat Anomaly, it’s almost certainly not a big wooden ark. For one thing, in six thousand years, the wood would’ve rotted away. Last I’d heard, it was just an interesting rock formation, and not actually an ark anyhow.

And for the record, referencing to someone like Ron Wyatt will not be sufficient. Even the church he belonged to thinks he was nuts.

What about the testimonies of changed lives all over the world, including mine? What about the fact that we have eyes to see and ears to hear? That we exist period – that’s amazing, and completely unexplainable by science. Science only has theories, with very few “laws.”

Eyewitness testimony is next to useless. Any decent lawyer can, in a courtroom, devastate any case that’s made only with eyewitness testimony. Eyes to see and ears to hear are good, but sometimes our senses lie and tell us things that aren’t really there, or we see things that are there, but interpret them incorrectly.

As far as our existence being unexplainable, no, it’s been quite well explained. We have a pretty clear fossil chain showing the development of humanity from the days of bacteria up to now. It’s not a complete record, and may never be, but it’s enough.

And yes, science has theories. A theory is what you get when you look at all the facts and evidence and come up with a theory that explains those things. When proven, they don’t get “promoted” to laws, they remain theories. A theory isn’t a guess; it’s actual science. Keep in mind that the fact the Earth revolves around the Sun is still referred to as a theory, is the Theory of Gravity, yet both are known fact. You can read in more detail about this in an article I wrote here.

Here’s one for you. Man’s understanding of layers in the earth denote millions of years. They recently dug up a fish with it’s head in one layer, and the rest in the other layer. Now either that fish is millions of years old, or we have a theory issue.

Millions of fossils, and you focus on one fish? Ok. Well, what we have then is one fossil that appears to be out of place (though I’d like your source on this, please?), versus millions that are where we expect them to be. This is hardly something that’s a “theory issue”. Without more information I can’t really say too much about this particular item, but like the famous picture of a dinosaur footprint with a human footprint in the middle, it’s probably not what it appears to be.

What about people who have been raised from the dead, physically? Do your research, this has happened in the name of Jesus. You’re probably laughing at that.. But seriously, dig and you’ll find it. THings like this don’t get published often. If they did, it would cause man to recognize GOd, and thus be responsable and accountable to their creator. This is exactly why people do everything in their power to try to disprove God. No God – Live as you want. God – Accountability. What they don’t realize is God is a loving Father who truly desires a personal relationship with us all, including you Chris. All you have to do is ask.

Aside from people revived on the operating table by very good doctors and the like, who do you know that’s been raised from the dead, especially in the way Jesus apparently raised Lazarus? If we had actual, verifiable evidence of someone being dead for several days and being brought back to life, you can darn well bet it’d be published widely!

As for the concept that no god = no accountability, balderdash. I’m a total non-believer, but I live a life more moral than many who claim to believe. Ultimately I’m accountable to myself, my family and friends and, as a last resort, to the legal system. That all gives me plenty of incentive to do the right thing, especially the first person on that list.

How many eyes witnesses does it take in a court of law to convict a person? The answer is 1. There were over 500 witnesses of seeing Jesus after his crucifiction, and many of which were highly credible. What about Saul of Tarsus who was a persecuter of the Church one day, and immediately is becomes the most passionate Apostle who wrote most of the new Testament?

As mentioned before, eyewitness testimony is notoriously poor. The five hundred or so people mentioned are all featured in one book that was written about 40 – 50 years after the events in question. This is not a credible source. Saul or Tarsus (he became Paul, right?), may or may not have been fictional. Even if he was real, there’s no reason to believe he wasn’t just making things up or, to be more charitable, that he didn’t wrongly interpret events he experienced.

How about the parting of the Red Seas and the recent discovery? They found a straight line in the sea with chariots, bones, and all kinds of weapons buried at the bottom in the dirt.. in a straight path.

Kudos to you for not falling back on the old “Sea of Reeds” nonsense. I haven’t heard anything about this recent discovery, which likely means it’s at best pseudo-archaeology, but it seems unlikely to be true. You know about tides and currents, right? Let’s assume a couple thousand soldiers were drowned when the Red Sea stopped parting. If they all sank to the bottom, they’d maybe be in a line for a little bit, but eventually the currents would push them all around and at different rates.

You wouldn’t expect to find all this stuff in a line. What you’d expect, if it happened at all, would be miles and miles of debris, all having been pushed along by the currents at different rates. You’d certainly not expect to find much in the way of weapons and such, since water tends to be unkind to metal. Heck, after three thousand odd years of fish and stuff, even bones would be a major surprise. So, yeah, this makes no sense. Sorry.

God has revealed himself through his creation. If there is a painting, t here is a painter. If there is a design, there is a designer. If there is a creation, there is a creator.

The universe is not a painting. Sometimes things just happen without anyone pushing them along. And if God has revealed himself through his creation, why did he then go out of his way to put tons of evidence out there indicating he doesn’t actually exist and never has? Isn’t this just a bit counter-productive? And how can someone like me be held accountable for the greatest sin of not believing, when everything about the way God constructed the universe leads me to believe he does not exist?

Phew! That was a lot of typing. I’m glad you left the comment, though. If nothing else, it’s nice to see my Bible Project getting some attention!

So here we have Numbers, the latest book in Badger’s Bible Project, and lest you think the title “Numbers” is just something designed to lure you in with promises of sex and temptation, think again. It starts with a census.

[God said]”Take a census of all the congregation of the children of Israel, by their families, by their fathers’ houses, according to the number of names, ever male individually, from twenty years old and above- all who are able to go to war in Israel…” Numbers 1:2 – 3”

What follows is a read about as compelling as what you’d expect if you were reading census data.

So after that coma inducing read, we get to a whole series of laws, pages and pages of them, as well as tasks assigned to certain groups. Again, this is as good a read as you’d expect.

Finally we get to something with a little more interest to it.

[God says to Moses]”Speak to the children of Israel: ‘When a man or woman commits any sin that men commit in unfaithfulness against the Lord, and that person is guilty,

‘then he shall confess the sin which he has committed. He shall make restitution for his trespass in full, plus one-fifth of it, and give it to the one who was wronged.

‘But if the man has no relative to whom restitution may me made for the wrong, the restitution must go to the Lord for the priest, in addition to the ram of the atonement with which atonement is made for him.’” – Numbers 2:6 – 8

And the priests eat meat that night. Actually, I find the idea of someone making direct, material restitution for a crime to remarkably intelligent. So much better than the idea of stoning everyone in sight, as the Bible usually recommends for even the most minor crimes.

Moving on we come to a part that, thanks to Civilization IV, I forever hear in the voice of Leonard Nimoy.

”The Lord bless you and keep you;

The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;

The Lord lift his countenance upon you, and give you peace.” – Numbers 6:24 – 25

A very nice, tender, sweet little prayer, actually.

So we go to some offerings and the Levites being cleansed. Then we come to a part about Passover and the Israelites leaving Mount Sinai (the story part of this is apparently best though of as “Exodus: Side Story 01”). But as the Israelites walk along, they start to kvetch about how there’s nothing to eat but that pesky manna.

”We remember the fish which we ate freely in Egypt, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions and the garlic;

“but now our whole being is dried up; there is nothing at all except this manna before our eyes!” – Numbers 11:5 – 6

I doubt they “ate freely” of anything if they were slaves, but there you go.

Even Moses starts to bitch.

So Moses said to the Lord, “Why have you afflicted your servant? And why have I not found favor in your sight, that you have laid the burden of all these people upon me?

“Did I conceive all these people? Did I beget them, that you should say to me, ‘Carry them in your bosom, as a guardian carries a nursing child,’ to the land which you swore to their fathers?
“Where am I to get meat to give all these people? For the weep all over me, saying, ‘Give us meat, that we may eat.’

“If you treat me like this, please kill me here and now – if I have found favor in your sight- and do not let me see my wrechedness!” – Numbers 11:11 – 16

Here we have what’s likely the start of all Jewish humor. “What, you want I should give you retail for this? I should die before I’d pay full price!”

Now how does God, the ineffable, perfect being, handle this? Let’s guess. Does God:

A: Ignore their whining

B: Tell them to shut up, and if they don’t, he’s turning this car around right now!

C: Create for them something a little better than manna to eat

D: Inflict some horribly brutal punishment

If you picked anything other than “D”, go back to Genesis and start over!

[God says]”Then you shall say to the people, ‘Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow, and you shall eat meat; for you have wept in the hearing of the Lord, saying, “Who will give us meat to eat? For it was well with us in Egypt.” Therefore the Lord will give you meat, and you shall eat.

‘You shall eat, not one day, nor two days, nor five days, nor ten days, nor twenty days,

‘but for a whole month, until it comes out of your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you, because you have despised the Lord who is among you, and have wept before him saying, “Why did we ever come up out of Egypt?”’” – Numbers 18 – 20

Well, sounds like God wants the Israelites to start doing Atkins. Still the image of people so stuffed with meat it starts to come out their nose is rather funny, if a tad gross.

Not too much meat (har-har), in this portion of Numbers. Thankfully there’s excitement around the bend in the next installment of Badger’s Bible Project!