Listen, dear. We all know you’re really hot. Even gay men probably find you quite easy on the eyes. I don’t. I think there’s something vaguely trashy about you, and not in a good way.
That said, I’ve a bit of career advice for you. It’s something you’ll only be able to do for the next ten years or so, but it’ll make you serious money and it will be a relief to those of us who actually enjoy film.
The advice is this: just give up and start doing porn. You can’t act. At all. I’ve seen Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and in neither did you display anything even approximating acting talent.
Now I was prepared to assume that was simply because your director, Michael Bay, thought he was making a movie that was nothing but porn crossed with explosions, so he treated you like a porn star. But then I saw the trailers for your newest film, Jennifer’s Body.
So, listen, despite whatever your agent has said, you are not the next Angelina Jolie, but you can, if you want to be, be the next… hmmm… well, I don’t know the name of any lady porn stars, but you could be one of them. Hell, we both knew the fanboys would pay serious money to see you doing nothing but gardening naked. If you were actually doing something porny, imagine the cash you’d rake in!
So please. Stop thinking you can act. Stop appearing in real movies. Start doing porn. Thank you!