Badger’s Bible Project – Joshua 7:1 – 24:33

After a bit of a delay, here’s the newest part of my Bible Project; the remainder of Joshua!

Ah, Joshua. Josh. Joshie. Yeshua. His friends called him… I don’t know, really. I’m tempted to say he probably didn’t have any friends, but then again he likely did. You know who else had friends? That’s right. Hitler!

Anyhow, last time we saw him, Joshua was leading a massacre worthy of any done by the Nazis. One would presume he would show more restraint now and not bother to kill entire populations of cities. One would be wrong.

Before we get to the killing of entire populations, however, we have to get to the killing of one man. Well, and his entire family.

See, it seems that something is awry among the Israelites. Joshua prays to God who basically says, “Listen, jerkstores, one of your pals stole something he shouldn’t have (instead of things he should have), and so you’re suffering as a nation until this one person is dealt with! Yeah, that’s how I roll!” (not an exact quote)

Joshua does some poking around and eventually finds out that a fellow name Achen was the culprit! What did he steal? Some clothes, some silver and some gold. Seems like a minor offense to me compared with, say, helping butcher hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent children, but what do I know?

Naturally the Israelites are going to show all the restraint you’ve come to expect from them and God.

Then Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achen the son of Zerah, the silver, the garment, the wedge of gold, his sons, his daughters, his oxen, his donkeys, his sheep, his tent and all that he had, and they brought them to the Valley of Achor.
And Joshua said, “Why have you troubled us? The Lord will trouble you this day.” So all Israel stoned him with stones; and they burned them with fire after they had stoned them with stones. – Joshua 7:24 – 25

So again we see a case where a man sins, is punished far out of proportion to the actual crime and then he, and his entire family (apparently, though the text isn’t quite clear on this), are brutally murdered en masse by the entire nation. I wrote just yesterday about people being stoned to death. Good to see some folks still embrace the olde tyme religion, eh?

Also, I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m still wondering why the hell the Bible feels the need to emphasize that people were stoned with stones and burned with fire. I wasn’t expecting them to be stoned with, say, clams and burned with taffy. What a badly-written book!

Now for those who believe Jericho and the slaughter therein was a one-time event, think again. Though it gets less attention, the destruction of Ai (no relation to Ur, Uhm, Eh, Ah or Ee), is just as unpleasant as that of Jericho.

And it came to pass when Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field, in the wilderness where they persued them, and when they had all fallen by the edge of the sword until they were consumed, that all the Israelites returned to Ai and struck at it with the edge of the sword.
So it was that all who fell that day, both men and women, were twelve thousand – all the people of Ai.
For Joshua did not draw back his hand, with which he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai.
Only the livestock and the spoil of that city Israel took as booty for themselves, according to the word of the Lord which he had commanded Joshua. – Joshua 8:24 – 27

Well, I see there’s one lesson God learned: he’s letting them loot now. Obviously he, in his eneffable wisdom and might, realized that expecting soldiers not to loot back then would’ve taken more than even God was capable of.

On the other hand, we also see that he’s continuing to be a bloodthirsty monster and urge his people to go out and kill thousands of innocent people whose only crime was not being Israelites. I don’t know about you, but if I lived in the next kingdom over, I’d look at this and start wondering how the hell I was going to not be killed off.

Turns out that’s exactly what the good folk of Gibeon were thinking. They make a plan that involves them pretending to be from a far away land. They then set out to make at least some sort of peace with the Jews. When asked why, they have a fun little reply.

… for we have heard of his fame, and all that he did in Egypt. – Joshua 9:9

So apparently all God’s bragging about his evil plans in Exodus paid off. Nice!

Anyhow, the Israelites are all excited about this (though probably bummed that they don’t get to wade to triumph through a river of blood), and they accept a deal with the Gibeonites without consulting God (Joshua 9:14), who could have prevented the upcoming situation, but presumably he was out watching sparrows at the time.

Needless to say the Israelites figure out this little deception and aren’t happy. Joshua pulls aside the Gibeonites and says, “WTF, mate?!”

Then Joshua called for them, and he spoke to them, saying, “Why have you deceived us, saying, ‘We are very far from you, when you dwell near us?” – Joshua 9:22

Naturally the Gibeonites look at him and, basically, say, “What, are you stupid?”

So they answered Joshua and said, “Because your servants were clearly told that the Lord your god commanded his servant Moses to give you all the land, and to destroy all t he inhabitants of the land from before you; therefore we were very much afraid for our lives because of you, and have done this thing. – Joshua 9:24

Well, Joshie is pissed about this, but since they promised to let the enemy live, there’s nothing to be done, so instead he turns them into slaves. But, hey, at least they’ve got their health!

Now is the time where, if I were ruling one of these cities, I’d start talking with all my neighbors and say, “Hey, these Israelites are planning to kill all of us. What say we team up and do something about this?”

This is basically what happens, as a bunch of kings get together and go attack the Gibeonites. They complain to their new masters and war happens.

During this war, something very, very strange happens.


This never happened.

Then Joshua spoke to the Lord in the day when the Lor delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel:

“Sun, stand still over Gibeon.
And Moon, in the Valley of Ajialon”
So the sun stood still,
And the moon stopped,
Till the people had revenge
Upon their enemies.

Is this not written in the Book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and did not hasten to go down for about a whole day. – Joshua 10:12 – 13

Ok, there’s a lot of weirdness here.

First, is it just me, or does that sound like some badly-written attempt at haiku? Let’s see if I can do better.

The Bible sucks ass.
It’s a really awful book.
I hate it a lot!

So, not great, but at least I keep the 5-7-5 going!

Second, the Sun stands still in the sky? Really? The Moon, too? That’s interesting, because that would require that the Earth stop rotating and that the Moon does t he same. Oddly, there’s no effects of this sudden disruption upon the environment. Also, this great celestial event goes unnoticed in the rest of the world. Almost like it never happened at all! Hmmm…

Lastly, the Book of Jasher? My Bible does not have this book. Turns out no one else’s does, either. Read more about ths and some more of the Bible’s Greatest Blunders here!

The next couple chapters are pretty self-explanatory. The titles are “Joshua Conquers the Land” and “The Kings Defeated by Joshua.” Right after that we get some more badly-written Bible verses as one verse, 13:13, tells us that Joshua is old and advanced in years and then, in the same verse, has God tell Joshua the same thing. Argh, I hate this book!

The rest of Joshua’s story seems to consist of nothing more than the Israelites dividing up the spoils and high-fiving each other on a job well done. The Levites get cursed, an Altar gets built and then, finally, Joshua makes his farewell address. The first line has an air of deja vu about it.

And Joshua called for all Israel, for their leaders, for their elders, for their heads, for their judges, and for their officers, and said to them, “I am old, and advanced in age.” – Joshua 23:2


Eventually Joshua up and dies at the age of 110. Not a bad run. He’s burried rather specifically.

And they burried him within the border of his inheritance at Timnath Serah, which is in the mountains of Ephraim, on the north side of Mount Gaash. – Joshua 24:30

Great! The next verse also mentions Joseph’s bones being burried there, so why not go dig them up? I mean, that’s a pretty specific place, yeah? So let’s go digging, and see what we find. Surely if we find the bones of Joshua and Joseph, that helps the cause of the religious out there, right? Of course I think this is as likely as finding the Garden of Eden where it’s supposed to be.

So that’s the end of the Book of Joshua. What a horrible book. What horrible people! Like I’ve said before, we, as a people, are more moral than God, at least going by what he does in this book.

I find it interesting that people still think Joshua was a hero. It’s a sort of culture blindness, I guess, like the one in Romania that leaves people there believing that Vlad Tepes was a great guy because, even though he slaughtered many people in horrible ways, hey, he defended Christianity!

Next time, we see how God is like an old-world Celtic faerie!


4 Responses to “Badger’s Bible Project – Joshua 7:1 – 24:33”

  1. Kerberos Says:

    “Second, the Sun stands still in the sky? Really? The Moon, too? That’s interesting, because that would require that the Earth stop rotating and that the Moon does t he same. Oddly, there’s no effects of this sudden disruption upon the environment. Also, this great celestial event goes unnoticed in the rest of the world. Almost like it never happened at all!”

    Another reason for not accepting in as a real event, is that there is no sufficient reason for it; it would be a stupendous miracle, but there is no proportion between the reason for it (to allow the Israelites to fight a bit longer) & the greatness of the alleged event. IMO, what we have here is a quotation from an heroic poem about Joshua, which in course of time was mistaken for a record of a real event.

    About the Book of Jashar: it’s one of 30 or so books mentioned in the Bible, that don’t belong in it. I don’t see that this is any different from quotations in other ancient authors of books other than their own. The author of Joshua is, surely, as free as any other human writer to make use of whatever sources for his book he thinks are appropriate, whether they survive to our time, or not. He was not writing for 21st-century Westerners. Our literary expectations may be important to us – but why should authors in a culture 2,500 years ago (or more !) care about them 🙂 ?

    Joshua 10 does not imply that the Book of Jashar is part of it – Joshua was not originally written as part of a collection of books called “the Old Testament”. There was no “Old Testament” when it was written. The books commonly referred to as “the Old Testament” were all assembled over the centuries; not written from scratch as a single self-consistent body of books.

    “…but I’m still wondering why the hell the Bible feels the need to emphasize that people were stoned with stones and burned with fire.” That sort of repetition for emphasis is a feature of Semitic languages, of Biblical Hebrew is one. There are features of US English I – not being from the US – don’t much care for, such as the way words are formed by jamming them together without regard for their meaning. It’s a bit hard to complain of a book because of the linguistic habits of the language in which it was originally written, don’t you think ?

    • Chris Says:

      Forget literary expectations; why should anyone in the 21st century care about this book period? It’s full of all sorts of evil and genocide and generally pisses me off every time I read it.

  2. Ken Says:

    Since the fall of man sin has reigned supreme in our hearts and death in all its forms has enter in to our dominionion. Living in sin cause ones soul to be seperated from God for eternity and no one while here on this earth is innocent and we will all, at some point, die. God, makes no qualms about the horrors or the truthes of war.The isealites did not achieve the goal of total purification of the land and look at that region today. Still much war and strife because of the poltical unrest of these differing cultural groups. How many do you think have die horrible deaths since then because of this unrest. If Joshua and the isrealites had been successfull would the region be different today? If the bible had been written for the purpose of entertainment i’m sure the authers could have made it more appealing however they weren’t story telllers the were simple men writting of the truth of there time as they were instructed by God to do.

    • Chris Says:

      Yes, if only they’d been able to successfully finish their campaign of genocide, instead of fleeing to Argentina! Oh, what a better world it would be if we were all Judenfrei.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: