Mass-Media Nonsense! – The Zombie Apocalypse

Not actually a thing.

This will never happen.

Ok, let me be as blunt as I can at the outset.

The zombie apocalypse will never happen, can never happen, and if you’re an adult who takes it even remotely seriously, you’re a fucking idiot.

Zombies. Possibly the most dull, boring, uninteresting monsters in all of Monster Island (which is a misnomer, as we all know). In the older works of fiction they’d shuffle along, look vaguely menacing and overwhelm by sheer numbers, while occasionally moaning “Braaaaaaaains…”, though the vegan ones possibly moaned “Graaaaaains…” In more modern fiction, ie: everything made after 28 Days Later, they gained the ability to walk faster and/or run. Otherwise they remain basically mindless killing machines. There’s been some attempts to make them (Warm Bodies), or their apocalypse (World War Z), interesting, but they really aren’t. They can’t have any kind of tactics, and all they can really do is a mass-attack which is responded to by a mass-defense, occasionally one involving fire.

God, zombies are boring as fuck, and I don’t understand why anyone thinks they’re at all compelling as a threat. Nothing about them makes sense. Hell, all you’d have to do is wait until a good strong freeze or until summer, and the weather would, you know, decompose the rotting corpses, thus neutralizing them as a threat.

And now, just to make things even more annoying, you have shows like Mythbusters doing an episode about the best ways to kill/avoid zombies, proving there’s no shark they won’t jump, even outside of Shark Week. You have the CDC thinking they’re being “cute” by issuing reports about what to do during a zombie apocalypse. People like to pretend that zombies can actually be a thing, but they can’t; certainly not in the sense of “dead bodies up and moving about looking to eat your brains”.

Almost as bad as people who think zombies are real/could be real are those who sit there and pontificate about how zombies are a metaphor for terrorism/conformity/consumer culture gone mad!!!!!!!111 People who try to approach zombies from an intellectual perspective need to just kind of be smacked.

Then of course you’ll have people who will try to tell you about how the real story with the zombie apocalypse is how people respond to it; how they handle stress and lose their humanity while fighting zombies. Great. That’s not a bad story. But ditch the zombies, set it in the real world, and make it about people dealing with any real war in human history. Goodness knows we have a few of them to work with.

But the worst of all offenders here are news outlets who smile and wink as they talk about things like someone doing some drugs and then attacking, and partially eating, someone and referring to that as a “Zombie attack in Miami? Why this story may be coming to a street corner near you!”

Zombies are boring. They are stupid. They aren’t interesting as characters, as antagonists, or as protagonists. They are terrible, implausible and pointless, and they certainly aren’t scary. Can we please, as a culture, get over them and move on? Thank you.


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