You know what’s terrible? Clickbait. We pretty much all hate it once we recognize it, and sites that are built on it, upworthy, for example, are possibly the worst things on the internet.
I know these clickbait headlines are sometimes very hard to ignore. So I’ve assembled a helpful little decoder for you. You can refer to this any time you’re tempted to click on a clickbait headline, and, lo and behold, you’ll see what the article says without actually having to read it. Let’s begin.
“Why Hollywood Won’t Cast X Anymore”
The real answer for why Hollywood won’t cast any particular actor is because that actor isn’t making them enough money. If they were, then Brendan Frasier, Ashley Greene, Tobey McGuire, and all the other names I’ve seen on that headline would be getting cast in major movies.
“You Won’t Believe What X Looks Like Now That She’s Lost Y Pounds! My Jaw Is On the Floor!”
What does “she” look like? And why is it always a woman?
Well, first off, let’s take the mother from Here Comes Honey Boo-boo. She apparently lost quite a bit of weight, and still looks pretty big, but not nearly so much. Certainly not enough that someone’s jaw would be on the floor. I suspect this is similar with pretty much all people for X. Also, you can just Google Image search them to find out what they look like now.
“X Just DEVASTATED/DESTROYED/EXTERMINATED/ANNIHILATED/COMMITED GENOCIDE AGAINST Y!”
No, that’s not what happened at all. A stinging rebuke, maybe. Maybe. But realistically, no, not even that.
“X Just Broke the Internet!”
No. X did not “break the internet”. What exactly does that phrase mean, anyhow? A lot of people probably looked at X, which I can just about guarantee is a nude, or nearly nude, photo of some celebrity, but that’s about it. Just do a Google image search if you really want to see famous naughty parts.
“You’ve Been Doing X Wrong All This Time!”
No, you haven’t. You’ve been hanging toilet paper, cracking an egg, and unpeeling a banana correctly as long as it gets you the results you need.
“What Happens Next Will Surprise You!”
No, it won’t. This is usually found at the end of twenty word headlines like the crap ones Upworthy spews out. Don’t bother to click; there’s nothing good here.
“Person X Made Y Dollars From Their Bedroom!”
You can, too, through the good graces of Chaturbate. Otherwise, if you click on this headline, you’ll probably end up somewhere where X person wants Y dollars from you to share their secret.
“X-type of Companies HATE This 1 Weird Trick” (bonus points if said trick is discovered by a mom)
I can just about promise you that the companies in question either don’t know about this “trick” or don’t care about it, because it’s meaningless, pointless, and doesn’t hit their bottom line even slightly. Likely the same will apply to you if you use it, unless, of course, you pay for access to said “trick”.
“Which Character from X Franchise Are You?”
None of them. You’re the person who loves that franchise, and can probably project your thoughts and desires onto pretty much any character you want to.
“These Pictures of X Can’t Be Unseen!”
Best not to look at them, then.
“X Things You Never Knew About Y”
Probably you did, though. Maybe you’ll come across one or two things, but likely you already knew them all already.
Ultimately, clickbait is a horrible plague on the Internet, and you never do yourself, or anyone else, any favors by clicking on it.