What’s in a Name?

Let me tell you about a presidential candidate that I’m going to call Jack Henderson.


He’s fake, so here’s a flag instead.

Jack Henderson (D-NY), is a New York-based politician. His life was pretty interesting. Here are some highlights of his time before elected office.

First ever student commencement speaker at Wellesley College.
Distinguished graduate of Yale Law School
Editorial board of the Yale Review of Law and Social Action
Appointed to Senator Walter Mondale’s Subcommittee on Migratory Labor.
Co-founded New York Advocates for Children and Families
Staff attorney for Children’s Defense Fund
Faculty member in the School of Law at Columbia University
Former Director of the New York Legal Aid Clinic.
Chair of the Legal Services Corporation
Former civil litigation attorney.
Former Law Professor at the Columbia University School of Law.
twice listed by The National Law Journal as one of the hundred most influential lawyers in America
Twice named by the National Law Journal as one of the 100 most influential lawyers in America
Created New York’s Home Instruction Program for Preschool Youth
Led a task force that reformed New York’s education system
Board of directors of Target and several other corporations
Instrumental in passage of the State Children’s Health Insurance Program
Promoted nationwide immunization against childhood illnesses
Successfully sought to increase research funding for prostate cancer and childhood asthma at the National Institutes of Health
Worked to investigate reports of an illness that affected veterans of the Gulf War (now recognized as Gulf War Syndrome)
Helped create the Office on Violence Against Women at the Department of Justice
Initiated and shepherded the Adoption and Safe Families Act
Traveled to 79 countries as part of various job duties
Helped create Vital Voices, an international initiative to promote the participation of women in the political processes of their countries.

And all that, mind you, before he even ran for office. It gets better. Here’s a list of things Jack accomplished while in office. He got elected to the Senate in 2000, and here’s what he did there.

Opposed things W wanted approximately 49% of the time (only 11 other Senators opposed him more often, and remember, it was right after 9/11, and even I tended to support W at that point)
Voted with fellow Democrats in the senate 96.5% percent of the time, while the average Democrat voted with them “only” 88% of the time
Voted with “Big Labor” 95% of the time
Voted with social and economic liberals 90% of the time
Showed pragmatism by occasionally siding with Big Business

Again, this all seems pretty good here. Let’s further say that Jack left the Senate in 2008, after being reelected by a wide margin, to serve in Obama’s cabinet. If you’re playing along at home, you can guess what position he was in, but in case you can;t, here’s a hint: It rhymes with Becretary of Bate.

Jack severed in that role with distinction for several years, fighting back against numerous politically-motivated attacks and smear jobs from the Republicans. Attacks so severe that they even went so far as to cost the government millions of wasted taxpayer dollars in the form of hearings that never once found any real evidence of intentional wrongdoing.

Then last year, Jack announced he was running for President, and managed to win the primaries. At the nominating convention, he came on board with the most liberal, most progressive party platform in ages. He coasted to an easy victory in the general election, and became our president.

Wouldn’t it be great if the Democrats were running such a person right now?

Unless you’re especially clueless, you’ve picked up on the fact that I’m describing Hillary Clinton, but doing so with a different name, a different gender, and a couple of minor facts swapped about.

Hillary really is this great, Democratic hope that I described above. And before you go, “Yeah, but…” ask yourself if you’d support this exact same candidate if they were named Jack Henderson. Ask yourself this if you’re a Democrat, but also if you’re a Republican who won’t vote for Trump, but can’t make yourself vote for Clinton.

“Yeah, but…”

But what? Dishonesty? Wrong: she’s one of the most honest politicians on record.

“Yeah, but…”

But what? The basket of deplorables? The basement dwellers? The super predators? The first was actually an outreach to the Republicans who aren’t in that basket, the second was a statement of empathy for those millennials who have been so screwed-over they’re stuck living in their parents’ basement, and the third she’s apologized for, and said over two decades ago.

“Yeah, but…”

But what? The speeches to Goldman-Sachs where she said that politicians often have to have a public face, and say things they might not actually believe? Horrors! We never knew that before she came along!

“Yeah, but…”

But what!? What? What do you have left other than the fact that she’s a woman? Is that it? Is it that she’s a woman, and you don’t think that a woman would make for a good president? Or is it that you dislike her for her husband?

Admit it. Most of you who are against Hillary for anything other than purely partisan political reasons would support Jack Henderson. If that’s the case, if you’d support him, well…then you already support Hillary. You just don’t know it.


One Response to “What’s in a Name?”

  1. Kyko Micsu Says:

    I’d vote for her even if she was named Ch’tulhu Klaatu Barada Nikto Ftagh’n.

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