Badger’s Bible Project – Judges 9:1 – 12:15


Well, I bet you thought you’d never see one of these again! What can I say? I spent the day working on my Judaism homework for my religions class and got inspired. So here we are. And for the record, the hard part of these is not writing. It’s actually having to read the Bible, the worst, most obnoxious book I’ve ever read, and I’ve read Anthem.

This portion of Judges begins with the rise of Abimelech. Now he’s an unsavory character who decides he wants to take the throne. He does this by wading through the sort of rivers of blood we’ve come to expect from the Bible. He kills all of his brothers (seventy of them), bar one, a fellow named Jotham who is able to hide from the wrath of Abimelech. He tries to warn the people that supporting Abimelech is a somewhat bad idea. They ignore him and make Abimelech king.

Abimelech is clearly a wicked, evil man. Naturally God won’t allow him to remain on the throne that represents his kingdom on Earth, no sir! This is a man who killed his own family to get to the top. If this were a crappy fantasy novel he’d be known as Abimelech Kinslayer, or something equally pretentious and stupid. So of course God doesn’t want this man ruling and decides to do something about it right quick!

“After Abimelech had reigned over Israel for three years…” – Judges 9:22

Ok, so perhaps God’s eye was on the sparrow at the time.

Anyhow, God finally acts against Abimelech and of course a war ensues. Naturally. Abimelech behaves like you’d expect. He goes around raping and pillaging, slaughtering civilians and butchering entire populations. That shows he a bad guy. Unlike, say, Joshua who went around raping and pillaging, slaughtering civilians and butchering entire populations but did so because God wanted him to. That’s how you know he was moral!

He's not quite dead!

Eventually a woman fatally wounds Abimelech who has one of his toadies off him so that no one will say he was killed by a woman. Which of course everyone does. Whatever. Anyhow, here’s the moral we’re supposed to learn from this:

“Thus God repaid the wickedness of Abimelech, which he had done to his father by killing his seventy brothers.” – Judges 9:56

Excuse me? Excuse me?! God repays this wickedness by allowing this man to be on the throne for three years, then lets him go on a killing rampage through the Levant, and this is is some sort of punishment against Abimelech?! I’m very confused here. Surely this would be more of a punishment against the several thousand people he had killed? That also ignores the fact that the sin Abimelech committed wasn’t against the people or against his seventy brothers, but rather against Abimelech’s father. Gotta love Bible morality.

Anyhow, moving on we come to a jolly story about a fellow named Jephthah. Yeah, there’s a name that doesn’t have it’s teeth in. He’s born of a harlot, from what I can tell, l but goes on to great things, eventually becoming a great military leader. At one point he decides to make a promise to assure victory for his side.

“And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord, and said, “If you will indeed deliver the peoples of Ammon into my hands,
“then it will be that whatever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the people of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord’s, and I will offer it up as a burnt offering.” – Judges 11:30 – 31

Well, there’s no way that could possibly backfire. So let’s see what happens, shall we?, when Mr J comes back home.

Jephthah, about to have a very awkward conversation.

“When Jephthah came to his house at Mizpah, there was his daughter, coming out to meet him with timberells and dancing; and she was his only child. Besides her had neither son nor daughter.
“And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he tore his clothes, and said, ‘Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low! You are among those who trouble me! For I have given my word to the Lord, and I cannot go back on it!'” – Judges 11:34 – 35

Well, what the hell was this idiot expecting? Was he keeping chickens in his house, and expecting one of those to come out joyously greeting him? Cows, maybe? Most likely he had slaves, and perhaps expected one of them to come running to say hello, which is a pretty grim thought all on its own. Instead out comes his only child and his reaction is not, “Oh, crap! You have to die, you poor child! My heart weeps for you!” Instead its “Well, my life sucks!” What a prick. A stupid, bloodthirsty, prick.

As for his daughter? Well, her reaction is interesting.

“So she said to him, ‘My father, if you have given your word to the Lord, do to me according to what has gone out of your mouth, because the lord has avenged you of your enemies, the people of Ammon.’
“Then she said to her father, ‘Let this thing be done for me; let me wander alone for two months, that I might go and wander on the mountains and bewail my virginity, my friends and I.’
“So he said, ‘Go.’ And he sent her away for two months; and she went with her friends, and bewailed her virginity on the mountains.” – Judges 11:36 – 38

“Bewailed her virginity”?! What the fuck?! Her own father is about to butcher her for God and her first thought is, “Well, I guess I’m not going to be getting laid now.” I mean, look, I like sex an awful lot, but I think in that case my least reaction would be “I don’t want to die a virgin”. I think it would be “A two month head start? Hot damn! How far is it to China?” And seriously, if I was that concerned that I wasn’t going to get laid, I’d find the nearest Israelite shepherd boy and take him to the Promised Land. It reminds me of something Pauline Kael once wrote about the potential virgin sacrifice in Dragonslayer, where she wondered why the young maiden in question didn’t work with the hero to get herself disqualified on technical grounds.

But this girl is apparently as stupid as her father, for rather than fucking the nearest shepherd boy and making for China, she instead goes back home to be murdered. Possibly she’s hoping that God will pull a divine “You been punk’d!” as he did with Abraham and Isaac. If so, she’s seriously out of luck as he father lives up to his promise and murders her for God.

Well, how delightful.

This raises the question of exactly why God let him go through with it. Perhaps God wanted to teach Jephthah a lesson about making unwise promises? Perhaps he really wanted the girl dead? Perhaps he just didn’t care? No matter what his reason, the fact that he let it happen adds further evidence to the fact that, as far as fictional characters go, God is about one of the most evil there is, especially since he knew what Mr J would see upon returning home (omniscient, remember?). But he let it happen anyhow. What a charmer.

But lest you think we’re done with Jephthah, think again. He goes back on the road, killing as he goes. Eventually he runs afoul of a group called the Ephramites. When they try to escape from him he sets up a simple little trap. Anyone who can successfully say the word “Shibboleth” is clearly not an Ephramite, as they pronounce it as “Sibboleth”. Indeed. Now it could just be me, but let’s say I’m an Ephramite and I see my friends going forth and trying to say “Shibboleth” and screwing it up. I think I’d spend the next several days learning how to make the “sh” sound. Maybe some of them do that and get through, but most of them don’t. How many?

Forty-two thousand.

Careless talk may indeed cost lives, but it’s pretty clear that even a basic speech impediment, while it might make for great cinema, can be fatal as well.

Next time! We finish up this horrible book with the story of the Bible’s biggest moron, Samson!

A Good Summary, I Feel


Click to embiggen!

I Think I Just Threw Up in My Mouth


So quick question for you all. What’s the most persecuted majority in this country? That’s right. Christians.

What a horrible little trailer for a horrible-looking little movie. Needless to say this is one I won’t be watching. I thought about doing one of my enjoyable little point-by-point refutations, explaining how, no, not all the Founders were Christian, and atheists don’t hate God, because that’s like hating the Tooth Fair, but fuck it. It’s not worth the effort.

I will say, however, that I’m sick of this “poor little us” routine from a majority group that consists of better than 80% of the American population. Jerkasses.

Subtle Satire


Also, why is there a silent “b” in “subtle”? I’ll wonder that rather than ponder the fact that many Christians would nod along with this video and say, “That’s absolutely right!”

The Greatest Force of Evil, Revisted


Something about him always puts me in mind of Gollum...

Back when I first started this blog I managed to piss off people with an article called “The Greatest Force of Evil in the World Today“. It was a fair and balanced look at the Catholic Church.

I made a few errors and had some misunderstandings about things like the Doctrine of Infallibility and was happy to be corrected on those. But there were a lot of other things I said that I stand behind fully, the most central of which is this: the Catholic church remains the greatest force of evil in the world today.

How big is their evil? Well, they still won’t allow the faithful to use birth control. If you’re HIV+ you can’t even use condoms to prevent giving it to your wife. If you have ten kids already and you can’t afford more than two, you’re expected to forgo sex for the rest of your life rather than use birth control. Then there’s the whole abortion issue.

Of course there’s also the church’s stance on gays and gay marriage and the like. They stopped adoptions in DC recently rather than risk having to let kids get adopted by gay couples. A Catholic school also expelled the children of a couple lesbians on the grounds that, since the church teaches homosexuality is a sin, they wouldn’t want the little dears constantly hearing how evil their parents are. Very kind. I also note that I haven’t yet heard a loud condemnation from the Vatican about the “kill all the gays” bill in Uganda.

Then there’s my usual saw about how obnoxious it is that the Pope lives in a palatial art museum while so many of his faithful live in mud shacks if that. If the church liquidated even 1% of its assets imagine how much good they could do for the hundreds of thousands of Catholics God made homeless in Haiti.

These are all my usual complaints about the church, and ignore all my objections to problems with their theology (the Trinity, the Pope, original sin, etc), but they all frankly pale at this point compared with what is arguably their greatest evil of the last couple centuries: children being raped and abused by priests.

This is hardly a new issue, sadly. In the States we went through this back in the early part of the last decade, where it seemed like every day brought new revelations as to the level of evil within the church.

Give him a beard and call him Santa!

One of the people in charge of dealing with the problems, a certain Cardinal Ratzinger, sent out a letter to the church authorities in America which, among other things, could be interpreted as telling them not to report any allegations of abuse to the police. Now as the author of the post I linked to points out the wording on that is somewhat ambiguous. What wouldn’t have been was a directive from Rome to report such crimes to church and civil authorities but I guess they didn’t want to go overboard and actually try to, you know, actually do anything about the situation.

Apparently even as Pope the former Cardinal still enjoys writing, since his response to a massive, widespread series of abuse cases in Ireland has been to… send a letter where he apologizes for the way the church handled the crimes that occurred. For some this is enough, but not for me and not for Christopher Hitchens who tears the Pope a new one over this letter.

Civil authorities around the world really need to step up and do some real investigations of the various sex and abuse crimes the church has been involved in. The crimes themselves are horrible enough, but the fact that the church has gone out of their way to cover it up and not cooperate with criminal investigations or report the crimes to the police. They’re allowed to get away with doing that because they’re a religious organization. No secular group would accorded the same favoritism.

I know that in the long run this scandal won’t make any real difference. I know that the believers will continue to believe. I know that in the fullness of time the current Pope (who I’ve always viewed as something of a seat-warmer), will die and his replacement will probably be someone who has at least heard of the Enlightenment, but really I doubt that the culture of corruption and evil that permeates the upper-levels of the church will change much. It’d take something akin to Vatican II to bring real reform and that doesn’t appear to be on the radar.

I would however ask the church to remember this: there was a time in England where there was much discussion of the role of civil authority versus church authority. It ended with the Psychotic Bastard Church the Anglican Church being formed which cost the Catholic church a great deal of power, prestige and money. History has a way of repeating itself.

Badger’s Bible Project – Judges 1:1 – 5:31


Welcome to the next part of my Bible Project, covering the first few chapters of Judges!

This is an odd book so far. It introduces the concept of the judges, features a couple Tarantino-style scenes and brings us lots more appalling behavior on the part of God and the so-called “good” people of the Bible.

The book begins in the aftermath of the genocidal campaign waged by Joshua against the Canaanites. He didn’t finish the job, so it’s up to Judah to lead the charge against the perfectly innocent, blameless civilian populations of Canaan who made the mistake of worshiping the wrong god. I wonder if he’ll show more restraint than Joshua?

And Judah went with his brother Simeon, and they attacked the Canaanites who inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. So the name of the city was called Hormah. – Judges 1:17

Guh. I wish that surprised me. Also, for those of you who, like me, missed the first time the word “Hormah” was used (Numbers 21:2 – 3), you’ll be pleased to know that it means oh, all sorts of bad things.

Now we come to one of the stranger parts of the Bible so far.

This image and more available at http://www.thebricktestament.com! Seriously!

So the Lord was with Judah. And they drove out the mountaineers, but they could not drive out the inhabitants of the lowland, because they had chariots of iron. – Judges 1:19

I wrote an entire blog article about this verse back when I first started this site. It’s a weird verse no matter how you slice it. It says that the army of God was defeated because the enemy had iron chariots. So, what, God can’t overcome iron?

Even now, almost two years after I wrote that article, I still don’t get it. Like I said in my article, it’s clearly a case where the Jews, who were probably using bronze weapons, were outmatched by an enemy who knew how to forge iron. Fine and dandy. They faced someone who had better weapons than they did and lost. That makes sense from a military angle.

But it doesn’t make sense from a theological angle. Is God omnipotent? Then his army should’ve walked past the chariots without any problem. Is God the only god? Then no one should be able to outmatch him or do anything to impede his will, right?

There’s one explanation that makes sense in many ways which is that God isn’t the only god around. That perhaps Baal and some of the other gods mentioned in the Bible were real and not just false gods.

Speaking of other gods…

Then the Angel of the Lord came up from Gigal to Bochm, and said, “I led you up from Egypt and brought you to the land of which I swore your fathers; and I said, ‘I will never break my covenant with you.
‘And you shall make no covenant with the inhabitants of this land; you shall tear down their altars.’ But you have not obeyed my voice. Why have you done this?
“Therefore I also said, ‘I will not drive them out before you; but they shall be thorns in your side, and their gods shall be a snare to you. – Judges 2:1 – 3

Wow, the Israelites have fallen away from God. Again. Water is wet, rocks are hard… yeah.

Anyhow, it sounds as though the Jews have started practicing some form of religious tolerance by not tearing down the altars in the lands they’ve invaded. God doesn’t cotton much to this and so he says, “From now on, you’re on your own when attacking the enemy! Have fun!”

I must say, I really don’t understand why the Jews would be falling away from God so much. He’s not exactly the god of nothing at this point in the story. He’s up and wandering around a lot, showing off actual miracles, dispatching angels, etc. One would think people wouldn’t need to believe, they’d just know he exists because they’d see direct evidence. Once they know that, why would they ever follow any other gods?

But apparently that’s exactly what some of the Jews began to do, converting over to the Canaanite faith and worshiping other gods.

Then the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the Lord, and served the Baals;
and they forsook the Lord God of their fathers, who had brought them out of the land of Egypt; and they followed other gods from among the gods of the people who were all around them, and they bowed down to them, and they provoked the Lord to anger.
They forsook the Lord and served Baal and the Ashtoreths.
And the anger of the Lord was hot against Israel. So he delivered them into the hands of plunderers who despoiled them; and he sold them into the hands of their enemies all around, so that they could no longer stand before their enemies. – Judges 2:11 – 14

Ok, so. Let’s make sure I understand this. Some of the Israelites started to worship other gods. It doesn’t say that they aren’t still worshiping God, but it does make it clear they’ve started to worship Baal (a Canaanite god or various other things, depending) and Ashtoreth (a Canaanite goddess known to many as Astarte). Please note: the Bible doesn’t say at this point that Baal and Ashtoreth aren’t legitimate gods, they just aren’t the God of the Bible.

Which brings us to another point. Which god is God? I’m currently reading The Evolution of God and I’m at a part where the author is talking about El and Yahweh, two Canaanite deities who some believe were later merged together to form what the Bible describes as God, and a god that even features elements of Baal. The author also expresses the notion that, far from being outside invaders, the early Jews were, in fact, Canaanites themselves, but ones from a different group from other Canaanites.

From a historical standpoint, this makes a great deal of sense to me. We know there’s no record of the Jews having been slaves in Egypt. We also know there’s no historical record of the Exodus. So the idea that the early Israelites might’ve just been displaced Canaanites makes quite a bit of sense.

Anyhow, this is an issue worthy of its own blog article, so I’ll have to write up one later. For now, moving on!

Next we come to a bit where God makes it plain that he’s done doing favors for the Israelites.

Then the anger of the Lord was hot against Israel; and he said, “Because this nation has transgressed my covenant which I commanded their fathers, and has not heeded my voice,
“I will also no longer drive out before them any of the nations which Joshua left when he died,
“so that through them I may test Israel, whether they will keep the ways of the Lord to talk in them as their fathers kept them, or not. – Judges 2:20 – 22

Here this seems to be an explanation for why bad things are happening to people. It’s because God got pissy, threw a tantrum and stormed off, leaving the Israelites to their fate. Theodicy, I suppose. Of course it could also just be a retcon by the Jews of the time to explain why suddenly they were having setbacks.

Bad things happen to the Israelites and the next thing you know, they’re under the thumb of Eglon, king of the Moabites. This leads to a great wailing and gnashing of the teeth by the Jews, so God raises up a Judge to go deal with the problem.

Judges, from what I can tell, are not judges in the legal sense, but rather they are more like generals, or the sort of Judges one might’ve seen in Final Fantasy XII. They seem to basically be generals mixed in with priests.

The Judge that God sends to deal with Elgon is a chap named Ehud who is, among other things, left-handed. Go, southpaws!

So God dispatches Ehud and brings the Bible a vaguely Tarantino moment.

So Ehud came to [Elgon] (now he was sitting upstairs in his cool private chamber). Then Ehud said, “I have a message from God for you.” So he arose from his seat.
Then Ehud reached with his left hand, took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly.
Even the hilt went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not draw the dagger out of his belly; and his entrails came out. – Judges 3:20 – 22

Well. Uhm. Yeah. Almost like, “Don Corleone has a message for you,” eh? I mean, yipe! The Bible is seldom this gruesome or, it must be said, this interesting, though I notice we’re still torturing grammar. When “he” and “his” are used up there, it is sometimes unclear as to who is being talked about; the king or Ehud.

Anyhow, Ehud makes his escape.

Then Ehud went out through the porch and shut the doors of the upper room behind him and locked them.
When he had gone out, Elgon’s servants came to look, and to their surprise, the doors of the upper room were locked. So they said, “He is probably attending to his needs in the cool chamber.”
So they waited until they were embarrassed and still he had not opened the doors of the upper room. Therefore the took the key and opened them. And there was their master, fallen dead on the floor. – Judges 3:23 – 25

Goodness. Sounds rather like how Catherine the Great had died. She suffered from a stroke while sitting on the toilet and her servants dallied around for quite some time before going in to check on her. Messy.

Now we come to the story of Deborah and Barak. Deborah was one of the Judges, and good on her for accomplishing that! Not too many women rose up to such positions, I am sure.

There’s also a story centering around the hunt for a general named Sisera. He commands the army of Jabin, an enemy of Israel. Deborah sends Barak and some others off to battle with hopes of finding and killing Sisera. This works less-well than they had hoped and Sisera gets away.

Or does he?

However, Sisera had fled away on foot to the tent of Jael, the wife of Herber the Kenite; for there was peace between Jabin king of Hazor and the house of Herber the Kanite.
And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said to him, “Turn aside, my lord, turn aside to me; do not fear.” And when he had turned aside with her into the tent, she covered him with a blanket.
Then he said to her, “Please give me a little water to drink, for I am thirsty.” So she opened up a jug of milk, gave him a drink, and covered him.
And he said to her, “Stand at the door of the tent, and if any man comes and inquires of you, and says, ‘Is there any man here?’ you shall say, ‘No.'” – Judges 4:17 – 20

Hmmm. Well, ok, maybe he did get away clean. He found a friendly woman who is hiding him and giving him milk, though he requested water. That seems a little odd. Actually, something about the whole scene seems a bit odd. Let’s push on and see what happens next.

Then Jael, Herber’s wife, took a tent peg and took a hammer in her hand, and went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple, and it went down into the ground; for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.
And then, as Barak perused Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said to him, “Come, I will show you the man whom you seek.” And when he went into her tent, there lay Sisera, dead with the peg in his temple. – Judges 4:21 – 22

… holy crap. I mean, wow. That’s even worse than Ehud offing the king. What a gruesome story! We can call her Jael the General Slayer.

Needless to say the Israelites wind up beating the crap out of the enemy and then we have something called the Song of Deborah and Barak and then that’s it for this part of the Bible.

So, thus far Judges is not impressing me. There’s still a lot of evil being carried out by the supposed good guys, and a lot of conquest and nastiness. Still, I gotta admit I like the quotable lines (“I have a message for you from God”, and “Come, I will show you the man whom you seek”). Plus the narrative is at least better than Joshua.

Next time on my Bible Project, we meet Gideon who proves that skepticism is alive and well in the Bronze Age!

Punishment From God


Christopher Hitchens has a fascinating article on Slate.com about certain people trying to blame natural disasters on the behavior of the local populous; making it seem like God is trying to punish wrongdoers.

Without mentioning any names, a certain jackass man of God went onto TV the other day to strongly imply that the Haitians got what they deserved in their recent earthquake and that it was punishment from God due to them having made a deal with Satan a couple hundred years back. Needless to say there was a great hue and cry from many, not least of which were the ones from Christians who said that God doesn’t do things like that.

God punishing everyone for the crimes of some.

What? Have you people ever actually read the Bible? Mass punishments are exactly what God does. He murdered untold thousands of people in Egypt, flooded the entire world, killing many innocent babies and children, because of the sinful behavior of adults, he had Jericho leveled and everyone in it killed because they worshiped the wrong god (ie: not him), and the list goes on and on. Mass punishments on entire communities are what God does, at least according to the Bible.

Of course those of us who don’t believe and understand basic geology know that basically things happen. It’s not God, it’s just tectonics. It sucks, but that’s life.